As a child and now as an adult:
I want to feel :
loved not unknown
special not like trash
important not second, third and fourth
safe not terrified
beautiful not muted
protected not attacked
trusting not suspicious
peaceful not anxious
centered not crazy
calm not guarded
light-hearted not hyper-vigilant
playful not cautious
trusted not judged

Two things I'm seeing
1. In adulthood i need to watch out for reactions that make me run and i need to watch for trying to fix the past with the present
2.it seems i really really need to focus solely on giving the things i want to myself. It's not enough to go to therapy and work hard on myself and journal and exercise whenever and practice good communication and grieve losses and etc etc and search for a partner.

I feel humbled seeing how it's time to let go of yet another layer of my wounded child's terror and rage. I say layer to mean take yet another step towards my true self who is separate from my wounded protective terrified inner child experiences and memories...

My true self is at peace on her own. Does things that make her feel good like a clean home and physically moving and caring for others and enjoying her connection with nature and and does things that make her feel beautiful like healthy food options and balanced junkie foods and she keeps herself safe and feels loved from her self and creates her own calm and peace.

This journey hasn't been black and white. I haven't always or never done any of this. I just see how it's time to take it a few steps closer to me.

I've managed to become fiercely independent, comfortable doing most things on my own...

A question is when I do feel the negatives I listed above does it mean that I should walk/run the other way and/or feel validated and righteous because I get to walk away again to represent yet another *®¢@! You! OR do i stay and assess to see if it's something not as extreme because 1. They're not my parents and 2. I'm now an adult and 3. That was then. This is now.

I used to think i was supposed to avoid people in any way like my parents. So when i felt not impotent to someone I'd cling to that scenario feeling all my familiar pain and creating a very muddy perspective of what was really going on. I jumped quickly and clung on tight to feeling not important. Now in hindsight I see other perspectives that have a lot more to do with her and little to do with me being unimportant to her...

I have still been waiting for someone else to help me feel the things I didn't. And I've rationalized and/or denied what I've been doing. I'll be gentle with myself and believe I got to this awareness when I was supposed to, when I was ready...

Seems i need to really give myself those other things. Seems the loss of my childhood desires needs another level of grieving. Seems these gray shades of reality are screaming: that was then / this is now / that was them / this is him now / that was you then / this is what you can give to self now.