I wanted to comment on this...

I agree with u to some extent- therapy is with the intent to find a way to fill those holes in our lives with someone in the real world. T is the one to help that process. However, I was in a residential place that too this idea very seriously. They couldn't comprehend the close relationship I had with my. They were bsolutely mind boggled. So what did they do? They cut off the relationship, blaming bad boundaries. That was the most hurtful thing I've ever been through. Therefore, I think it's a spectrum... U can either very much embrace this idea of the t relationship being strictly paid and professional, or u could look at the flip side and see that yes, although u pay for their services, most ts are very invested on a personal level in each of their clients. I think it depends on the individual t and the individual client. I do not think that's its black and white and it really depends on the individual situation and where each client is in treatment.

I agree with all 3 of your posts in this thread, Stringcheese. From Rainbow's earliest posts, I have felt that her T seems a bit inexperienced and wishy-washy when it comes to boundaries pertaining to Rainbow's "pattern." I don't think that it's fair to say "always do X" or "never do X" when it comes to BPD or any other dx, however, I do think T's should be aware of the primary characteristics associated with their clients' dx and the profession's *general* wisdom regarding treatment. In my understanding, it's considered "common knowledge" in the psychiatric profession that clients with BPD *generally* seek as much attention, reassurance, contact, validation, and "feeling special" as they can get-- and that it is not always in the client's best interests for the T to simply provide that. Why? (1) because the need is often insatiable and (2) because it hinders the client's ability to grow and change; to develop coping skills, independence, self-validation, and the ability to learn how to get those needs met in RL. While some clients without the obsessive characteristics of BPD (or other dxs) can benefit from getting that extra contact/validation early in therapy as part of building a secure attachment to the T, when clients have those obsessive tendencies, that extra contact/validation can really spiral out of control. That's why, in my opinion, if a T is told up front, by Rainbow, that she has BPD and she has displayed obsessive tendencies towards her Ts in the past (her pattern), I think her T should have seen the writing on the wall and done things differently from Day 1. I think a lot of us who have been on the forum since Rainbow began posting (3 years ago), saw this coming right away. If we could see it, I think her T should have been able to see it as well. I also think her T has been very inconsistent with her boundaries. It's not just that she had loose boundaries and then tightened them (like a good parent or T might). Rainbow's T has gone back and forth many times on the e-mail rules, and has not been strict with Rainbow when she has violated them. I agree with Stringcheese that Rainbow has (consciously or unconsciously) manipulated her T many times in order to get her T to loosen the boundaries, give more self-disclosure, get more physical contact, slip in "therapy stuff" into scheduling e-mails, etc. I do think Rainbow is more knowledgeable about her pattern than her T seems to be, and I think Rainbow has been honest about her feelings and tendencies-- but she finds ways to get around the typical boundaries because the extra contact and validation "feels good." It's a legitimate temptation! I think it's T's responsibility to hold a tighter rope. I think that if her T was stricter about the boundaries it would force Rainbow to focus less on the T relationship and more on her RL. I think a more experienced and firmer hand might not "feel as good" initially, but it might lead to more progress.

I agree with what you are expressing here except the one phrase that I have bolded. I agree that our T is like a guide, and that we need to work on finding that "blanket of love" from others in our RL. I agree that real love does not come with $$ attached. We cannot "buy" love from our therapists. However, I believe that some Ts do love us unconditionally. They are professionals, providing a service AND they love us unconditionally. However, that does not change their role in our life, and that does not change the boundaries that are in place. That does not change the fact that we still need to find reciprocal relationships with people in our RL.

For instance, I really believe that my T loves me unconditionally. And that matters to me. However, that changes nothing about the professional nature of our relationship. If I stop therapy, then I will stop having regular contact with my T. If I'm no longer paying for her services, then I no longer have access to those services and it would be unethical of her to suddenly be my "friend" instead of my T. But will she still love/care about me after I leave? Yes, she will. But how does that help me in my RL? Even if T does love me unconditionally, she is not a part of my RL. Our relationship is not fully reciprocal. I need to get that "blanket of love" elsewhere. Having T "fill in the gaps" sometimes can help, but that's only a transitional stage. The goal is to get everything you need from RL.

If I focused too much on the love I get from my T, I think that would detract from the reciprocal kind of love I get from my best friend, my dad, my sister, my other friends, and the women I date. The kind of love you get form your T can be unconditional, but it is not reciprocal in the same way as it is with people in RL. You don't have the opportunity to "give back" to your T the way you do with people in your RL, and I think you're really missing something when you aren't giving back. You aren't expanding your ability to communicate, connect, and reciprocate in the same way-- and you aren't reaping the same kind of rewards. As good as getting love from your T can feel, I think it feels a lot better to get love in RL.