Been wanting to die for a long time now.

I guess I have had undiagnosed/untreated major depression for about 6-7 yrs now. Agoraphobia came along with that.
It has been about 10 yrs since I had any professional help. At that time I had my self admitted because I wanted to hurt my self and others.

Since then I have been under severe stress from adult step kids drama and their effect on my husbands behavior. Also stress from other people in our lives.

Now, in Dec 2012 my dad dies from heart failure. I can't settle all of his affairs because I haven't been able to obtain legal identification since moving back to Texas in 2006.
It took 4 months to locate my brother, who is schizophrenic. He died of ischemic bowel and heart failure in June.

Now in the mean time, my husband is diagnosed with vocal chord cancer in May. Five days a week we drive 90 miles to the Dallas VA for his radiation treatment.

Ok, now as if this isn't enough to deal with, he has respiratory failure after his treatment last Friday. He survived because I took him to the ER after he could barely walk or stay awake after his treatment.

They thought he took to much pain medication and also had pneumonia.
After being intubated and 6 days in the hospital they discharged him and took him home. They had to drive him because he needed to have oxygen.

I am still in Dallas and too exhausted to drive home.

P.S.
In Feb we had to quit smoking because my husband has COPD and needed home oxygen.
I have become mean, hostile, angry and now curse. I can't seem to stop myself.