Mellors, my mind keeps telling me to go for it, but my heart tells me that I am not well enough to work or even attend school. My father taught me that going to school and doing and being nothing but the best at it is what counts. I was allowed one B a term, any more than that and heaven help me.

I think I am still hearing his voice and feeling the guilt of not fulfilling his wish to live through his daughter. Even though he's been dead for years, he still lives. It's amazing what horror a person long gone can still perpetuate.

If I got a job, I would have to make no less than $60,000/yr to make up my medicine and health bills. Even that probably wouldn't be enough. That just doesn't happen where I live.

My first priority is my health right now. I'm having some real problems and I must see that they are treated. Then I have to get myself back in shape. I've gained weight from sitting around in a brace for almost a whole year. I have got to lose it or the health ramifications are going to be horrible. Diabetes, congestive heart disease, heart attacks and strokes are rampant in my family. I'm used to being the thin one and all at once I'm over weight.

I think writing is all I can realistically do. Even if I'm never published, at least I will have tried.

Thanks for asking. You made me take time to stop and really think. It helped.

Jan