Quote:
Originally Posted by WikidPissah
(((chickie)))
I hate to tell you this, but thoughts have a way of catching up at the least opportune time. But, good luck with that!
All of these threads on touching have set me off. Ick. just Ick. The thought of hugging, high-fiving or holding hands with a t is really gross to me. What if it grosses the T out? Can s/he not stop simply because they don't like it? They are people too, they can set boundaries and move them when the boundaries seem too close. I don't know, I just don't get it.
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Email to my therapist 20 days ago: My mother just said my father was nothing but trash. I feel like an uncomfortable kid again.
I know (with tears in my eyes), and over eating. I feel I want to crawl out of my skin. I can't be touched. YUK!
I was having a flashback. The limbic system has no sense of time. I was that kid again. I had no touch or very little touch most of my life.
For more than 45 years I believed I could not let people touch me or be near me -I was ugly, I smelled bad; I stunk to high heaven, so I just need to stay away from people.
I shared this with my therapist early on. She doesn't believe in labels, nevertheless, the name I found for it is Olfactory Reference Syndrome. It's gone, I'm cured. I do believe it's because of touch. my therapist used when I was having my YUK moments which were plentiful this last 18 months in therapy. And, I sweat buckets no matter what season.
As a kid the above mom-dad conversations were fueled by their youth, four kids (three in 36 months), being foreigners, no family in the USA, racism, alcohol (dad), PTSD (two infantry tours Vietnam), mental illness (I believe for mom), etc.
Mom took her misery out on me. I had to be perfect. And I was, except perfect kept changing as mom's moods changed - it could change in minutes or seconds that I was ICK in her eyes. I was told I was YUCK in less kinder ways. I created a smell to justify this yuck. I became Icky to myself.
Back to touch. I've gone through hell - believe me learning to be touched was hell - to get myself in a different place as others have, and/or continue to do so in order to not be freaked out by touch. The first time I saw your writing about the ICK factor of touch I had a flashback. Today, it just makes me sad to know that others on the forum, and those that look up to you on the forum may feel they have to keep that conversation quiet, feel bad about the need or want to bee touched by their therapist because, you speak of it in terms of Yuck, Yuck, and Icky!
And yes, I know this therapy is not right for all therapists or clients.
PS: If there is a significant other my therapist works with the both of them on touch. I didn't have anyone, now, I'm working on changing that only because my therapist was willing to fill in - to touch me, GTGT.