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Originally Posted by Perna
I would not like to be in that situation, mona. Interesting though, the way you put it, "on my own and dependent. . ." Here you are living at home and saying you can't leave your abusive mom but you also only see living elsewhere but being depending on your T as the alternative?
If your mother is abusive, for me, working to get out on my own would make sense and would probably help with the relationship further as I would not be so close so constantly. I had difficulties with my stepmother and moving out was helpful and scary, difficult, lonely, all the things it has to be being a new experience, given who I was at the time. The goal is to learn to live one's own life and I don't think that can happen all one way or all another.
I'd tell T what you think :-) and talk about it, tell her what she said and how adamant about it she was upset you and you wish she could help you see other alternatives that you might not be able to see because of your inexperience? Tell her it feels like you are driving her to/from extremes of cutting off your mother but then having no one but her.
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Thank you for your reply Perna, I just realised that yes it is scary, breaking the cycle and learning to stand up for myself, to move out and to be free. I never thought that it has to be like that when experiencing new things. Seeing my mother constantly is hard for me and having a break could be the best thing for me right now but I just can't afford it at the moment. I like it when mum is nice to me and it doesn't happen much so now I want to just be here and enjoy it but t feels it is not safe for me and my mum is just hooking me in.
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Originally Posted by just_some_girl
Maybe your T was just trying to look out for you, not wanting you to get 'sucked in' by your mum again - perhaps she sees a pattern, thinks that it's inevitable you'll keep getting hurt, and that it's best to keep distance and protect yourself? She may feel it's important for you to get out and away from your mum in order for you to make progress and to help with self actualisation...
(Or maybes I'm just projecting because I've had my own mother issues!  )
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Mother issues suck
Maybe you are right JSG and maybe t does have my best interests at heart, I would like to think she does and that she is looking out for me. I have a feeling this is true but I also have a feeling that she doesn't like it when I start to like my mom again. I want to trust t but after yesterday I am struggling.
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Originally Posted by hankster
Your t is right. My t's said the same thing and they were right. It's not that the t's want us to be dependent on the personally but professionally, which though in a t's case is rather personal just because of the situation. But they're just looking for us to be independent of our parents, and properly interdependent on other adults. Including them at the beginning.
Looking back, I can see how I always held myself back financially to be in the exact spot I was in growing up (if that makes sense). I didn't know any other way. And it was too scary emotionally to learn any other way. Do you have any goals? Aside from going to school. That is a big one. Maybe it would help to set some small ones. Just to learn to become an independent goal-oriented person. I used to perform my assignments at work, but it seems that is all I accomplished in life. I was too tired for anything else. Well, work and therapy. That is my goal. To start setting goals!
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Thanks Hankster, you could be right about me holding back financially. I am sure I could work something out but for some reason I don't. T has asked me before why I choose to stay there when I can move and I don't know why.
I dont have any goals at the moment, only start college in September, I am learning to stand up for myself and to trust myself more. I want to change jobs eventually. This is a big thing for me hankster, I always have to have a project on the go. I love to be kept busy and have something to work towards. Kind of like you, all work and therapy
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Originally Posted by ECHOES
Or maybe it is the abuse cycle at work. Now that your mom is treating you better, you feel defensive of her.
Has this cycle happened before? Could T be trying to prevent what happens next?
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You know, you are right. This is a cycle that happens to me. My ex abused me and I would get defensive of her, even to this day I can't let anyone say anything bad about her. It is a cycle and maybe t is trying to prevent it but I just couldn't see it because I am not used to people being nice unless they want something. T has identified that I am repeating the same patterns at work, at home and in my relationships.