Quote:
Originally Posted by rainbow8
I don't know why I keep posting. Probably for connection and validation. I don't know all the answers but TBH, it tears me apart to hear my T being criticized. What good is it to me to hear all of that spelled out? Yes, I appreciate advice that I can use. But to hear all the mistakes my T made is useless to me, and it stings. I don't want to hear about what she did wrong. That doesn't help me one bit, but just makes me defensive.
Yes, I'd stay in therapy if I could. T and I are addressing that all the time now. I don't think anyone can "cure" my attachment. I have to live with it, and probably die with it. I accept that fact.
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Thank-you Rainbow for giving us a better idea of what you want (and don't want). I mean that. I genuinely thought you wanted feedback on your T's strategies (or what she should have known) from the way you worded your initial post, and this is why I posted what I did. I was trying to be helpful and answer what I thought you were asking as a question. As someone else mentioned, I think specifically asking for the kind of responses you want would be helpful. I like responding to you specifically because I really empathize and can relate to some of your struggles around attachment. I used to have my own "pattern" and I know what helped *me* overcome *my* pattern, so sometimes I offer my own perspective in the hopes that maybe the things that helped me will help others, too. But if my opinion is hurting rather than helping, that's the last thing I want to do!
Just to explain what I mean about asking for what you want, I quoted the lines in your initial post that I thought meant you wanted feedback on your T's behavior/technique.
Quote:
Originally Posted by rainbow8
Today I said I've been in therapy longer than she's been practicing, and she admitted maybe it was her inexperience, and I knew better than she did, that these things would trigger me.
I know my T didn't mean to lie to me. At first she didn't realize she was giving me too much. I don't think holding hands was wrong, and emailing me wasn't wrong either. She agreed that the goal was for me to internalize the caring, and I think I've done that. I don't think she realized how attached I would get to her though I told her about my pattern. I think she should have known.
The answer to my question maybe is irrelevant. She didn't tell me "I didn't lie" or tell me "I did lie". I think she wanted me to stop wanting to hold her hand when I was ready, but realized I'd never be ready.
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Because I thought those were important realizations that you felt strongly about, my intention was to respond to and validate those realizations. I was trying to validate your feelings that "she should have known" and that "maybe it was her inexperience" and, had she never put boundaries around things like e-mail and hand-holding, you might "never be ready" to gradually give them up. I was not trying to introduce *new* criticisms of your T or even my own unique perspective-- I was simply trying to validate (and agree with) what I thought your reactions/feelings were. I thought you had come to the realization that maybe your T had not handled things well-- and that you were now feeling hurt and lied to as a result-- and I was trying to say "I understand why you feel that way; I think you may be right when you say you knew better than her."
In the future, just make it clear what you want (or don't want) and, at least I, will respond accordingly (or choose not respond). I don't want to give you responses you find hurtful and unhelpful. By phrasing your title as a question and then saying the things I highlighted above, I really thought I was responding in the way that you were looking for. But, as you pointed out, that's not what you wanted. So, just let us know what you want, and you'll probably get a better result.