Hello, I am a 22 year old male who is feeling very lost. I am extremely shy and it is taking every ounce of willpower I have to open up like this.

I'll start by saying that I like women beyond a shadow of a doubt. I went through a couple month long phase when I was 16 where I thought I was into guys, but I think it was just to please my girlfriend at the time (we were into this whole hippie peace and free love thing yada yada, idk, she liked it) it didn't last very long and I have not thought about other men like that since. I have had many girlfriends in the past and still fantasize about beautiful women all the time.

But I still have this illogical, irrational fear that I'm gay. I don't understand where this is coming from. I'm not the most masculine guy, my voice is not deep, my muscles are not big, and my fashion sense is kinda... questionable. I feel like everyone is judging me and thinks I'm gay and hiding in the closet. I really wonder sometimes but when I think about a relationship with another male and imagine it, I'm actually quite disgusted by the thought. I always dream of women at night.

But here's something odd. I have noticed when I masturbate to porn, I must have a good looking man (preferably well hung) doing the girl. I am completely turned off if the male is not quite up to par. What does this mean?

And I have saved the weirdest for last. I often wish that I had been born female, and have fantasies about being a girl. But even in these fantasies, they never lead to me doing a guy or anything -- I just want to be a girl. I have no desire to have any sexual relations with a male at all in these dreams. I look at my female friends sometimes with jealousy that they are so beautiful and I am just this ugly, smelly guy.

Sometimes I live out my fantasies of being a girl by playing online RPGs, and choosing a female character and pretend to be a female in real life. It feels very fulfilling when I attract male attention and they call me "babe" or "darlin". I even flirt with them sometimes, even tho I have no desire to flirt with the real thing face to face. It's a pretty harmless way for me to be what I truly want to be without getting judged or ridiculed. But it has lead me to question my sexuality and now I just don't know what I am anymore.

I have lost ALOT of confidence over the last couple years because of this. It has turned me into this unrecognizable shell of the person I once was. My self esteem is borderline zero, and I am a loser now who goes to work and comes home and doesn't talk to anyone for weeks on end.... But that is a topic for another forum.

P.S. I live in Montana where it is still pretty much a lynchable offense to be gay. Just thought I'd mention that.

Thank you so much to anyone with help for me!