okay, I'm going to try this again. I got a call and lost my whole post a minute ago so i am starting over now.
I posted the first chapter of my story a few weeks ago. My brother had sexually abused me until I was 11 and stopped it all. He left me with a lot of odd feeling about relationships. He use to call me a hooker because he gave me candy money and prizes so I wouldn't tell my Mom. When I was 14 I was raped by a 21 year old medical student. I was married by the time I was 17. My first husband thought I was a virgin. He was very disappointed on our wedding night. He wa very rough. That is all I knew for years. He forced himself on me ever time we had sex. The more I fought the more he liked it. I thought it was my own fault for not being a virgin. I started gaining weight. I had two kids by the time I was 23. They were my life. However, my abuse colored every part of my life. I was afraid for my son to be alone with my daughter. That was the least of the effect my brothers abuse had on me. I got involved in church. There I heard about forgiveness. I tried to forgive my brother. I felt guilty because I could not do it. When I was in my 30's a preacher made a play for me. I had lost a lot of weight. I felt myself thinking that I had to give into him. He was an important part of my life. I was afraid if I did not give in he would not be my friend. I allowed him to mess with my mind for about a month or so until it hit me that I was responding just like the little girl that loved her big brother so much she was willing to do anything for his freindship. It was like waking up from a 30 year nightmare! My whole life started to change after that. I went back to school. Got a dgree in ele ed. It didn't happen over night. But I stopped blaming myself and started dealing a little better. My goal for myself was to educate myself so I could support myself when I got ready to leave my abusive husband. I did just that. It actually took a little longer for me to deal with my brother. That can be in the next chapter.
thank you everyone for listening to me and responding.
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