want to bite. want to sooooo bad. I can taste blood in my mouth, I know it's not there, but I can taste it. Just enough to give me comfort but make me want more. My jaw hurts cause it keeps clenching. I'm scared sometimes if I open my mouth it will go instantly to my wrist. I hate this. My jaw hurts so flipping bad. I want the pain, but not there. Not that dull ache. That nice sharp piercing sensation. Want it. Need it. Don't know how much longer I can hold out for. I don't want to but I do. It makes me so mad at myself. Then I'm mad at myself and just want to punish me and get it over with so I can get to healing and feeling better. But I know once is NEVER enough. I want it. The comfort. I won't draw blood, so I want to look at this as if it's not that bad, but how long will I be able to do it and not draw blood. If I give in to this how much more will I give into. I haven't cut for 1 yr 3 mths. I refuse to give that up... I can't... I won't... but I want to so bad. I keep thinking that if I bite there will be less chance that i cut, but truthfully it's probably leading me closer to cutting. Can't Won't Want Need. Everything is getting so jumbled up. The only rational thoughts left in my brain seem to be I'm not thinking rationally therefore don't make any decisions in this state of mind. But I want it. Relief. Just a bit. Tiny tiny bit. Want to scream...cry. But if I scream my wrist knows where it will go. To the gaping jaws ready to shut on it. And if I cry will I be able to stop. I don't know. I feel like I don't know anything right now. The only thing keeping me in reality right now seems to be that aching in my jaw. Man it hurts. Why can't that pain fulfill the need of pain.

I guess I'll go cry in the shower now...if I can. I need to cry, want to cry, and maybe just maybe that will ease the pain enough to get through unscathed... for now.