Suicide is a devastating experience for those left behind. Friends, family, acquaintances...all feel not just loss, but guilt, helplessness, regret. Suicide is a sure way to not only take yourself out, but pull all those who care about you in the hole with you. And I say this as someone who regularly contemplates it, sometimes deeply wishes for it, to end the pain. I have often felt "not worth it" or like there is no way I can continue with so much regret and pain.

I have several friends who are therapists. Each has experienced losing a client to suicide. And I have read many other accounts of how a client's suicide affects a therapist. And, without exception, it has been devastating to them. They lose someone they have come to care about, whose well-being they are invested in. And on top of that, there is the agony of thinking they didn't do enough, they didn't say or do the right thing at the right time, if only, if only, if only. Google the subject, and see how long it takes some therapists to recover when they lose someone to suicide.

Suicide is everyone's "right." I understand and live that feeling every day. But there is no overstating the devastation it leaves behind.

I hear your pain and despair, growli. I hope that you find relief soon. Add your T to that list, for sure--there is no doubt that your well-being and recovery is very important to her, in a personal way.