Quote:
Originally Posted by FeelTheBurn
Do your best to focus on today. Today, you've said you have friends who care and can be there for you, and a T who cares and can be there for you. And you have all of us, who care and can definitely relate to your pain. Today, you are richer than many. I don't say that to make you feel bad about wanting to give up--your pain is real, and you have every right and reason to wish it to end. But today? You have resources and are loved.
Let tomorrow remain where it will always be: in the future, out of your reach. Today, you have human beings who can look in your eyes and see someone worth loving. Today, you still find reasons to hang on. Take a deep breath, maybe go out in the sun and let it warm you, and keep your focus on this moment, this day.
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It's really really hard to focus on today when the day after tomorrow, I have to return to my parents' house. I've been at a music festival for the past five weeks and while I still very lonely because I never really reached out to make friends, at least I feel safe here. I'm going to have to go back to that house and remember everything that happened and continue to hear my mom's crap about how I'll never be good enough. I'll be hiding in my basement, all alone, reliving all of the PA they put me through, fearing it will happen again, and wishing I were dead. I'm just so scared of going back there that nothing I do can take away the pain even slightly. I'm so scared I'm desperate to the point of fantasizing killing myself.
I just have to keep telling myself that it is just for five weeks and I can get through it. In five weeks, I'll be back home in Boston and with my T. I don't know how many more "vacations" I can take.
Thank you for your posts. They have been wonderful.
