Perspective is huge. I've struggled with depression, suicidal thoughts, ideation, planning, and attempts for years, and in the midst of that deep dark spot, it is next to impossible to see outside the utter pain and desparation to escape that pain. The ability to see your own death from the perspective outside yourself is pretty much lost.

But in the last few years, I've experienced some very significant deaths that were so traumatizing that I've finally gained some of that perspective that had been elusive. Last year, we had two students commit suicide. Actually, one was a former student of mine who happened to have struggled with my own diagnosis of bipolar disorder. His death hit me hard as I so understood what his struggle entailed. This year our pastor's son died very suddenly from complications of the flu. He was my son's age and his death was shockingly sudden and devastating to his family, our church, his schoolmates, and the community. In all of these cases, I saw the grief and sorrow of those left behind and saw how these kids' lives had affected so many others.

My biggest lesson in this outside perspective came two years ago when my sister died. The pain and grief was (and really still is) overwhelming at times. We knew she was probably going to die. She had been through cancer and a difficult bone marrow transplant. We had been watching her waste away for months, but even with advanced notice and natural causes, her death devastated us all. I vividly remember saying to myself that week she died that I would never deliberately put my family through such pain by deliberately causing my own death. I made a decision at that point that suicide would not be my way out of this world; I won't do that to my family, my friends, my students.

Does that mean I just stopped having issues with suicidality? No. Unfortunately I have a mental illness that cycles me into that mode with irritating and frightening regularity. There is a difference now though. I have made a commitment to myself to always seek the help and support I need to get through those episodes. I do what it takes, even when I don't really want to do what it takes because I am thinking irrationally due to my illness. I make myself make those phone calls to my T and pdoc. I make myself stay honest with my husband and family about what state I am in. I make myself take those meds. And I make myself walk through those hospital doors for my own safety and future even though it is so hard to do so.

So reading that therapist's thoughts about that patient of his that took her own life is one more perspective from a survivor that is helpful to some of us who personally fight those suicidal demons in our heads. Therapists and doctors are affected by the loss of us. I've known that. My therapists and pdocs have talked to me about how my death would personally affect them, and I understand that more now in these last few years than I was able to feel it prior to gaining that personal perspective.