When flowing water...meets with obstacles on its path, a blockage in its journey, it pauses. It increases in volume and strength, filling up in front of the obstacle and eventually spilling past it...

Do not turn and run, for there is nowhere worthwhile for you to go. Do not attempt to push ahead into the danger...emulate the example of the water: Pause and build up your strength until the obstacle no longer represents a blockage.
from the I Ching

zen,
I know offering quotes for support can be trite, but I've found meaning in this, and I wanted to share it with you. Your writing about your process and struggles is always powerful. You have a tremendous capacity for strength. I hope you find times when you can pause and gather that strength from within and without.

take care,

gg