Desensitization is just everything from relaxed to extreme fear, where you are trying to reduce the fear by going slowly and willfully up and down the scale so you control it. You don't necessarily have to start with specific relaxation techniques, use one that you do understand how to do? Whatever feels good/relaxing to you (I close my eyes and recall my special place inside I have created with my imagination, where I'm "warm, dry, and safe" :-)

Try to make a list of steps between the ground and your fear (up there in the middle of nowhere :-) If you were afraid of snakes, for example, one of the things you might think of was how scary it is to look at pictures of snakes. Or, go to a pet store or zoo and how close could you come to their cages or habitats, how long could you look, how many details could you see, etc. You'd put all the things you could think of that are more/less scary than one another for you and then put them in order of scariness.

In other words, I would just make a list of all things related to my fear and then rank order them. I also think of it as working on a goal rather than as a fear and it might help. Say you are afraid of public speaking and have to give a presentation at work to 20 people next Wednesday. First, put the fear in the form of a goal - specific, measurable, attainable, measurable, time-bound.

I would also change any language, for example I'd change the "have to make a presentation" to "want to". Word it to yourself as a personal challenge rather than something being imposed on you by someone/thing outside.

It's not your only choice; you could call out or go to your supervisor and say you could not/would not do it; you could quit your job, find one that didn't have such requirements; you could just tough it out, have a friend write the talk and make sure there were lots of charts/graphs; you could ask for a partner, make it a team project and not be the one to present, etc. But instead, you want to do this so you make it yours, take responsibility for it.

When thinking of steps to get from A to Z, think of any that are ones you don't mind, too. I write well and know I can create a fine presentation so that is not part of my fear? So, I use that as part of my "relaxation", doing the actual writing of the presentation. If I am getting anxious one of the steps near the bottom would be the writing/creating of the presentation.

Try to pair a fearful thought with a relaxing thought? "Everyone is going to stare at me" gets paired with, "I love the part of my presentation where I say, "Da dum, da dum, da dum". Remember the good stuff!

Even if you have to use the fact that at some point the presentation will be over and not hanging over your head, pair that with a part of your presentation where you get stuck, tongue tied.

I was on a panel before a roomful of educators telling my own story and forgot what I was going to say How can I forget my own history? But because of therapy and my own prep and history and the fact I had chosen to be there and would never see these particular people again, etc. I was able to repeat a thought I'd just said and then grab the continuation again, being aware of the other students next to me and how well/poorly the person who spoke before me had done and that there would be someone after me in the shoes I was in now. In other words, remember or figure out how to ground yourself if you get stuck.

But a presentation is kind of big. What about the "small" fears? I was afraid of talking on the telephone. It was heck because all my jobs required working in the front office and answering phones! I even had one job where I wasn't in the front office and did not have a phone in mine at all but had to relieve the receptionist when she went to lunch sometimes. The first time I did that; our association took up an entire City building floor and the elevator dinged for our floor and I picked up the phone and tried to answer it

One can apply the same principles. Make it a goal to be more comfortable with phones and give yourself a date. Figure out the "parts", what exactly makes your afraid and what is easier. If someone I knew called on the phone and I recognized the voice, that was more comfortable. Well, that's good! I'm not afraid of everyone on the phone, just people I don't know and, sometimes, people I'm not afraid of call.

I listened to a coworker of mine who worked in the front office with me talking to her mother on the phone one day and she was very patient, didn't get into arguments, etc. with her difficult mother. I paid a lot of attention because I wanted to be like her when I was on the phone with my mother. I got a lot of "tips" listening to her, her tone of voice, what she said, how she said it, etc. and afterwards I told her what I had done and how I admired her and we discussed talking to mothers on the phone. Think about that; it not only helped me talk to my mother on the phone but I also had someone who I wanted to be like, talking on the phone in general!

So, when I got a call on the phone, I could now do a "What would Debby say?" I could do that in two ways; what would she say to the caller and what would she say to me, coaching and encouraging me. When you are afraid, just think of someone you love who loves you or that you are at least comfortable with and imagine them either on the other end or next to you encouraging you.

Write down everything you can about your fear, everything. The more you understand, the more concrete it is, the more orderly and step-by-step you can make it look, the easier it is to work on?