Hello everyone.

I have not used this website in quite some time because I felt I was becoming much more stable of a person. Recent events have made me regress a bit and I venture here in hopes of seeking some advice from the website that has helped me in the past.

This is my story as of recently.

I met a girl in January. We became friends. We had everything in common and we learned much about each other. She was perfect for me. My ideal dream girl. Because of her I became much much more confident. I gained all the courage I needed to kick my anxiety and phobias and issues to the curb. I felt normal. It was fantastic.

However, I had learned that she was indeed married. At this time we were only friends. We hadn't been intimate or anything of that nature. She told me she had been married nearly a year to an older man who has become a drunken, emotionally abusive husband who neglects her. She told me their relationship had regressed into a roommate situation and she had planned on leaving him soon.

Shortly after that, after about 3 months of being close friends, we began to express feelings towards each other. This was around May of this year. So we discussed it at length. I was okay with the fact she was married to a jerk because they had not been intimate in a very long time and I knew she was very lonely and sad. I wanted to make her happy. I wanted to show her some romance. So we began to date, in secret. We told the world we were just friends, but we were secretly in a relationship. Dating, kisses, hugs, sharing intimate details and everything couples do.

It was perfect. I was a virgin when I met her. I lost my virginity to her. She was more experienced than I, but she was very willing to help me learn everything I needed. She accepted me for who I was in whole. She loved me. And I loved her. For once in my life I actually felt loved. I actually had an emotional connection with someone. I actually felt accepted for the first time in my life. We did everything together. We went on dates all the time. Eating, movies, parks, hiking... etc etc. I couldn't have imagined a more perfect girlfriend. She even celebrated my birthday with me, when everyone else in my life had forgotten. I trusted her. I loved her.

Everything changed on July 4th. I did something that I regret to this day. While she was showering. I checked her phone because it had buzzed. I saw text messages. Not from her husband of course. But from her boss. I confronted her. I was very upset. Shaking. Emotional. I was having a panic attack. She told me she had been having an "emotional" affair with her boss. Exchanging pictures and text messages. She told me it had never been physical. She told him in the messages that she loved him. And that she missed him. The text messages were time stamped for the same time she was with me that night before. She said she didn't mean it, that she was just looking for some kind of loving connection but didn't know how to break it off once she met me. After a long, and very exhausting discussion/argument, we had tried to resolve things. I told her she is to have no more contact with him outside of work, deleting him from Facebook and blocking his phone number.

After this, I lost my trust in her. I became more resentful I guess. I began to check her phone. Telling her it was the only way I could build trust back up with her. It went over and over in my mind. They had spent so much time together. I never had a problem with it because he is old and married. But everything made more sense. All those hidden text messages. All the times I saw him at her house. I still think that there is more to the story. But I didn't want to dwell on it. I wanted to trust her. I wanted our perfect relationship back.

A few times since then I had asked to see her phone and she would refuse. Deleting text messages before handing it over. She would add him back onto Facebook. But still continue saying she wasn't talking to him. I had recently asked to see her phone records on the Sprint website to see if his number popped up on call logs. But she refuses. Saying she wanted respect and to give her the benefit.

Our relationship has been rocky since then. We don't go out as much. We are both noticeably more mopey. For the past week we have barely seen each other. Except for giving her rides to work when she requires them. She isn't intimate with me. And is very stand-offish. She even brought it up, saying she didn't know what was wrong with her but she felt she needed space.

She claims me to be clingy and controlling since I caught her "cheating". I explained that it was because trust had been broken, on more than one occasion and that I needed time to build it back up. She said I wasn't clingy or controlling beforehand. But now I am more prone to asking what she is doing, or who she is with. Or if she has had any contact with that man. She gets offended when I ask. Perhaps she would like to forget it, I honestly don't know for sure. Part of me still distrusts her, and remains suspicious, it has been less than a month.

Today we just had a long discussion.

She told me she has been feeling guilty for the past week. Because she is married but in a relationship with me. She said it hurts her to do this to him. Even though he is an alcoholic and neglectful. He is a terrible husband. She says she is 90% sure she will divorce him. But she told me she doesn't want to be rushed and she doesn't know when it will happen. But she feels guilty for being with me, which is why she has been so distant lately.

I asked her what she expect me to do. She said she wants to take a break for a week so she can figure everything out. I am not quite sure what difference a week will make, but I gave her what she wanted.

In the end, I am left on the sidelines. I knew eventually she would have to make a decision between us. I had always figured she would choose me because I am a good person. However, I am starting to doubt myself. It hurts very very very much. I know she is struggling because she is actually a decent person, and it hurts me to see her in this situation. I have never pressured her to get a divorce. I have never given her the ultimatum.

I love her with all of my heart and I know she does love me. I have never felt such a connection to anyone in my life. I would do anything to make her happy. I am a good person, I would never neglect, or abuse or hurt her in any way. She says I make her happier than she has ever been. I want to be with her. I want us to have a chance at a real loving relationship without the hiding. I want to scream to the heavens and have them hear of my love for this woman. I know we can be awesome together again. I know if we actually get the chance to have a serious relationship, we could be an amazing couple.

Because of this, I am at a loss. I am in pain right now, and I cannot talk to anyone about it because it is a secret. What should I do? Just wait and give her the time she needs? Give her space? Believe everything she tells me and just live in ignorance hoping she wouldn't hurt me again? Part of me wants to just wait and let her make up her mind and hope it doesn't take a year to do so.