I am very sorry and angry that your mother, of all people, mocks you for having been hospitalized.

So the way you see things in relation to your mother, being hospitalized would mean the loss of everything you love and have: your place in school, your music, your friends at school, your T, your career, your freedom. You would not literally lose your life, but you believe that you would lose all that you find worth living for right now.

You recognize the danger in your suicidal feelings, and you would get help if you felt that you safely could, but because of these potential losses you feel helpless to do anything about the feelings until you can see your T.

I was wondering about something: you just said a little while ago how being backstage and listening to the music had a powerful, positive effect on you. And of course that makes sense! I wonder if there is some way that you can systematically harness that love of listening as part of your program of self-preservation and self-defense when you are back at home for those five weeks.