I am 22. Soon to be 23. Thank you for sharing all of that, some of it makes more sense now.

It's hard for me to move out because I do not have a money and I am currently unemployed. I do not qualify for SSI even though I worked for years, so I'd have no income or way of living. Though I know I could easily live alone and manage myself. Despite how it may seem (not saying you at all suggested it, just in general) I am vastly independent. The only time I ask for help from my family is when I am really struggling. Like now. Normally I wouldn't. But my meds got taken away, the anniversary of my brothers death is weeks away, as well as my birthday, and I am just not doing well. If I had the ability to leave, I would. But I don't.

Personally, for myself, I do not fear death. If I die, I die. I've no idea if something is waiting for me on the other end or not, and that's fine. But I have a phobia of more of my family dying. My dad already has a prognosis of five more years of life. It's terrifying.

I am just too tired. I am cried out and sick. I get it, she lost a child. But I lost my best friend, my big brother. My sister lost the same. My dad lost a son. And yes we all have our days where we cry and wish we could have him back, but we try and work through it. It's like she's just given up. She has an excuse to be the living dead now. She used to be so full of life, even as a physically disabled person. She'd talk to me, we'd go out together, we'd have family dinners and not argue. But now it's like shes not here anyway. I don't have my brother anymore, and I no longer have my mom. I am entirely alone here.

If she wants to go, she can go. It's not like she's really here anyway. She left when my brother did. I just wish it didn't have to be that way. I've lost my extended family, my brother, my mom. What else am I going to have in a few months? Even a few weeks? Nothing. I am broke and hopeless and alone and even when I reach out to my friends, they deny me any care. Telling me how busy they are.

I don't know why I fear being alone when I already am alone. It's like she's died anyway. What's the point.