I sit here at my keyboard while she walks around, obviously pissed, at yet another small and ultimately meaningless, disagreement. Her words, when she does speak, are filled with annoyance and contempt. And the twisted part is I deserve this treatment. Not because of what I said or did at this moment, but the absolute hell I have put her though in the past.

Let me give a little background. I have bipolar. I prefer the nomenclature Manic-Depressive illness, but most know it only as bipolar. When I met my girlfriend I was undiagnosed and unmedicated. Up to that point due to my reclusive nature, avoidance of social interactions and what my counselor describes as "a strong ability to rally", my psychosis went unchecked and unnoticed by those around me. When I was extremely manic or depressed I kept to myself. At the time I believed my wild mood swings were just people not "getting" me, or just being intentionally obtuse. This all changed when, after talking for years online, my girlfriend and I meet up in real life and shortly after moved in together. Our relationship was a very rocky one. I always believed she was trying to control me, that she would argue for no reason. She kept saying I had an anger problem to which I would always respond that I would not if she would stop being so *blank*. Fill that in with whatever you like. It changed daily. On top of this I was violent when my mania's hit. I would never touch her, but I would yell and cuss her out, call her all sorts of hurtful names and throw objects around, slam doors, hit walls. She was genuinely scared of me. But she stayed. She tried. She bought books about anger and dealing with people that had anger. She went to the internet and looked up the common factors in all our fights to find how to fix it. She found many different relationship counselors which we went to. For a time she believed she was the problem and looked up ways to be a "better girlfriend". This went on for three years. Now, I am in treatment for bipolar. I am on medications, I take them religiously, and I go to counseling. My manias are not as high. My depressions are not as low. I have went months without a major episode, something that before would only last a few days. But still we fight, but the roles are undoubtedly reversed.

She is bitter, angry and fed up with me. She wants what she envisions the perfect relationship to be and anything that does not fit this view she attacks with ferocious intensity. Rather than look at the circumstances of a situation she will immediately assume that I am "against her" or what she wants to do despite my pleadings that it is just the opposite. Quite frankly, she does not want excuses but at this point in the game that is all I can give. Many times over she brings up what was done in the past and I have to tell her that was my illness. She will see some small thing that, in the past, would have been an indicator that a manic state was starting and she will throw up her hands and say something along the lines as "not this s*** again!". I attempt to reassure her that everything is fine but she will not listen. She brings up the "then who the hell is the real you?!" in nearly every disagreement (I use disagreement instead of argument because I never try to argue with her, just attempt to show her that I am, in fact, on her side). One of the most frequent and intense disagreements is that of intimacy and affection. While unmedicated I would either be in an extreme manic state where I would be very irritable and mean towards her, or in an extreme depressed state where I would not want her to be around. So she has not received the love and affection she deserves for many years. Now that I am medicated, I put extra effort into showing affection. However, this does not usually work out. See, when she becomes pissed, she stays pissed and will NOT allow me to show her affection. She turns away my kind words, refuses to accept my apologies and absolutely does not want to be touched or held. Something as small as being busy at the computer when she comes home and not greeting her at the door with a kiss could lead to night full of pain and accusations that I am not "fulfilling her needs". It is sort of a self fulfilling prophecy. She believes she will not get what she wants, she does not get what she wants at the moment she wants it, she blames me for never giving her what she wants, becomes completely unapproachable for the rest of the day, I am now unable to give her what she wants. It is a maddening cycle. But what can I really say? After all the BS I gave her for three years, isn't she entitled to what she wants? But that also begs the question, given these circumstances could I ever give her what she wants?

I have thought long and hard about whether the relationship can be saved at this point. To my utter despair and shame, I believe I have pushed her so far away that it would be absolutely impossible to start over. I have single handedly killed her kindness, patience and understanding and have left this bitter, angry shell of a woman I once knew. Because of our past, I believe I could never give her what she needs and I want to encourage her to move on and find someone that she can start over with, someone that she does not view as a ticking time bomb. But my attempts to lovingly, gently, bring the relationship to a close are met with violent hostility. "Oh, you just want to cut and run?!", "I tried for three years and you can't even try for a month?!", "So you are just going to give up on me?! I never did that to you?! You are not even going to try?!". These words cut deep, and in the end I always resolve to try harder. However, I find myself trapped in a never ending cycle of pain and resentment. Can I fix this or will I have to make the painful choice to end the relationship and live with her hate and disgust of me for the rest of my life?