I know the deep wish for freedom through suicide. But as you so poignantly said----living is the greatest gift we can do for our loved ones. That is the main point that prevented me from acting. I've never regretted it because a short time after that I met a psychiatrist who ultimately found the medications I need to feel normal.
Try to look at it this way. You will die one day no matter what. You may as well wait for that time and try to live as well as you can in the meantime.
Talk to your family and tell them the situation you are in. Maybe that will help you bear the burden you have now. Tell them you love them.
Please try to hang on
Just post here as often as often as you wish, We are here to listen