thank you everyone who has replied. i have tried to talk to a a shrink, and they said everything was my fault.. i only have one friend and he tries to help, but ends up getting hurt in the process.. And then i get so scared of him and don't know what to do.. i do have animals, and they keep me going for the most part. But i feel bad for them having to be stuck with me.. i tried to kill myself several times and think about it alot, but ny friend won't let me and he said it hurts him when i talk like that, and i dont want to hurt him.. i am handfeeding a bird and that helps a bit, but I'm always afraid i am doing something wrong.. i study animals alot but most i still see everything that happened.. With Him.. And everyone... No matter what i do, i still see everything.. Playing over and over in my head.. Like a movie that never ends.. i do feel hopeless.. i never get any better i get worse if anything.. My friend says it takes time, but i feel like a failure.. Like nothing i ever do is right.. Sometimes i wish i could just be shot and get it over with.. And now my grandpa has cancer and nay die soon..:*(Thank you everyone for listening.. i was kinda afraid everyone would yell at me.. Thanks.