Pretty much I dated a girl for about 6 months last year and the first couple of months were amazing. After Halloween however, things turned sour because I then found out (via going through phone, mind you) that she was texting other guys and flirting with them. Sending pictures (not nude ones), pretty much seeking attention. I called her out on it and nearly broke up with her. We talked, things were fine. Week or two later, found out she did it again. But I never told her, instead I seeked out revenge in my head and went upstairs to her sister's bedroom (who I did find attractive) and stole pairs of her panties and pleasured myself with them. We stayed together for four months after that, but after that act I pulled, the guilt of what I did has bothered me. She eventually ended up cheating on me emotionally some more by texting and talking to another guy, so I finally broke it off with her.

After doing that act, I realized I blocked this out of my head (until it came back) that I did this before after my long-term relationship ended with another ex. She too, ended up leaving for another guy twice. So in return, the same act happened. But the only difference between this one and the other is I did this AFTER we were broke up.

It's terrible, disgusting, I'm really ashamed of myself for doing such a thing. I feel like I'm not worthy of anything, especially any woman for the future. I feel like I don't deserve anything in life now. I've been trying to Google similar situations but ones I've found have been from people that LOVE doing this kind of stuff and it eats me up when reading comments like that because I AM NOT this type of person.

All of this has really led me to depression a little bit, and to an extent...anxiety. My heart races real fast, I have trouble breathing. I'm starting to get panic attacks sometimes. I don't like the way I feel, and while I know it's all in the head, it sucks. I feel like I'm NEVER going to get better.

I am seeing a therapist, I had my first appointment last week. He was the first person I've actually told in person about this and he told me "We're all human. What you do doesn't define who you are." With it being our first visit, I didn't get to talk to him that much, but, it's a start. I don't have another appointment for another two weeks and coming across this forum, I think this would be beneficial to help get me by for the next couple of weeks until I talk to him again and even afterwards, as this looks like a really comfortable place.