Okay so one of my Dx is schizoid (which not sure that makes sense, but when I "test" for it I always get it, I don't know.)

So here's my experience. I want friends I just don't trust people to be friends or even be nice and respond. I only like to work in a group if I know the people in the group and they are not bossy (I like doing my own thing.) I like to be alone but I don't. I love my family very much, but I like them to let me kind of do my own thing and not "hover." I attached yet detached at the same time. I like to be private but I still like to talk about things. I'm a huge basket of contraditictions and I realize that.

Now, another thing I experience is that I think people "know" that something is different about me. I think all people know but it depends on how they handle it. There are either group a) the avoid group which are people who try to avoid having to be around me. Group b) the bully group who pick up that something is different and bully me. Group c) the compassion group who are people who pick up that something is wrong but they are good hearted people so they don't mind. Most people fall into group a. So, I think that is true with others as well, not just me.

Another thing I experience is that I often feel people around me don't understand. Either they don't understand what I'm going through or they don't understand what I'm communicating. So, I tend to pull back from people and be more internal. It is hard to reach out to others when you feel they won't understand, listen, or care. This has been a big issue that came about with my personal experience.

Lastly, I find it can be really hard to communicate when my thoughts are not linear and when I tend to forget what I'm saying. I seem to have a lot of thought blocking. My mind just goes blank suddenly. This seems to be progressing in the past year, I'm noticing it a lot more than I used to. That's also another thing to get around.

I think all these hurdles cause a combination of withdrawl and exclusion. Mixed together it becomes isolation. Sorry this was so long, I'm having a bit of trouble getting what I want to say out.