My Support Forums - View Single Post - How can you love someone and force them to be monogamous?

lynn P. · Jul 29, 2013, 02:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by High Treason

We crossed streams a bit in our last posts :-)

I'll just point out two sentences I feel are a bit weird in your last post. In the first sentence, you equate not being sexually exclusive with not being "loyal." How do you make this leap? If a couple voluntarily agrees to follow monogamy then not being exclusive is breaking the loyalty. Its a matter of principle and what the couple agrees to. If you on the other hand enter a poly-amorous agreement and have sex with others its not disloyal. I'm not calling your action disloyal because you're being upfront with your partners when the subject of exclusivity comes up. I'm not against your way of thinking at all and can understand this lifestyle. Its just not for me.

I can think of no connection between having sex with someone exclusively and being loyal to that person. If this is fine with your partner, then yes you can be loyal and still have other partners. You can be loyal because you're being honest and they agree with what you do. Not only is it possible to be loyal and still have sex with other people, but it is also possible to not be loyal and yet remain sexually exclusive with the person. Loyalty and sexual exclusivity have no relationship as far as I can tell. I agree with that, but if a couple does agree to monogamy and then cheats....that not loyal. If its an open relationship, its not cheating and not disloyal.

It seems you default to talking about why you want to be sexually exclusive yourself, not why you want your partner to be. I can understand why someone would want to be sexually exclusive. That's not what I'm trying to discover. What I don't understand is why someone would expect their partner to be as a condition of the relationship.

Don't you agree it makes sense to partner with people who believe the same as you. Open people should pick others like them and monogamous people should pick others who voluntarily believe the same as them. Why would I expect a man to be loyal - because I believe in the same and hopefully he does too. There are many men who don't want their partners sleeping with other men. I wouldn't think of convincing a man to be exclusive if he doesn't want to. I just wouldn't find a life partner attractive if he did. I understand your life choice and not criticizing you. I can't figure out why you don't understand others who do choose monogamy. I agree you can be in an open relationship and still be committed /loyal. Its deceit and cheating I'm against. An open relationship isn't cheating.

Quote:

True no one should be forced into monogamy if it doesn't come willingly - same as I should be forced into accepting this from my partner if he doesn't want to be loyal.

I meant to say "shouldn't" in the above quote.

I believe in a deep connection (love) and when that's happening I don't want anyone else.

Yes I believe you can still have a deep connection in an open relationship. I was talking about me. There aren't many people who are willing to see your point of view or not criticize polygamist/polyamorous arrangements. As long all are consenting and no is being forced ...I think its fine. It was forced on me and I would think you'd understand its not right to force anyone. It requires a shift in thinking, where they agree to give up possessiveness and jealousy. Yes they can still have love, commitment, respect and loyalty.