A little positive post in the depression board can't be a bad thing, right? I can't believe I'm seeing hope, yet here it is. And I'm alive to see it - how iffy that was for way too long! I'm not through it of course, and suicide thoughts are still often in my mind, but there's a glimmer down the tunnel that might be the end, and it's enough to go on to see if it's real.
I talked with my pastor last night, and felt validated. He agreed it's quite possible my mom has emotionally abused me - which gives reason to my seemingly without cause behavior/thoughts/feelings. He's fully behind me in getting counseling - which I made a call about today and am waiting to hear back on. He also told me how he'd been on the verge of having me hospitalized, especially when I told him I made the appointment with the psychiatrist because I was suicidal, but didn't based on a lot of prayer, what he knows of me, and that he believed when I said I'd go to the psychiatrist I would - which tells me that not all of my efforts to show I needed help went unnoticed - and that God was watching out for me, because while I would have felt safer had my pastor or someone else had me hospitalized, it would have extremely aggravated the situation with my mom. And he helped me realize my dad's position, who I'd always felt distant and like I couldn't tell him anything any more than I could tell my mom - which lead to me initiating a conversation with my dad at lunch today and gaining understanding from him.
I feel like I'm out of the crisis mode I'd been in the last 1 1/2 months, which is such a relief. I still have a lot to deal with, but there may be hope. Now all I need is to keep my mom from finding out I'm going back to the counselor she hates...
Whew.