I did it again over the weekend...felt completely numb when I was doing it, no emotional outbursts or anything other than a cold, clinical feeling of detachment. The emotions are coming now, well after the fact. I just saw my T and saw the look of disgust in his eyes when I told him what I had done and now I'm home and I can't stop crying. I think he's mad at me and I understand...I deserve it...I messed up. I just want to run away, escape the feelings, go someplace where I can't feel anything. I'll give up any fleeting moments of happiness I may experience not to feel this crushing sadness, this fear, this sense that all I do is make people angry or disappointed in me.

I really wish I didn't exist...and the urge to punish myself for SIing by SIing is really strong. How do I punish myself in a way that doesn't do so much damage or make me so angry at myself afterward?