i haven't cut since February. but i'm slipping, sliding back, deeper into the depression again, and i want to cut myself so bad. i dream about it at night. i look at the huge scars on my wrists, the marks from the sutures and the staples. and i want to do it again. so bad. i want to cut my arms in half basically. the urge is so incredibly strong. i even bought something to cut with. carry them with me wherever i go.

the only thing holding me back is my kids. it's summer, which means short sleeves, and my ten year old has started asking questions about my scars. i can only cut on my arms/wrists, i tried other places that are easier to hide, but it doesn't work. as in, it's just not the same, it's not the same relief i get from my arms.

but i don't know how much longer i can fight it. it is constantly on my mind. not just thoughts, but pictures.

it's so hard.