The thoughts were always a comfort to me, my life and I can take it. I can end this game at any time, all the pain and sadness gone. I understand SI attempts and "being in control", I also read you really don't want to die. Just know that unfortunately thoughts can lead to actions in the heat of a moment. Those you would have leave behind, in the event you dont succeed, may not be able to deal with your attempt and you could lose the ones you loved ... the ones you felt loved by ...in this ill attempt at control. They have every right to wash their hands of you out of self protection and that's not what you set out to do, but it happens. If you ever wanna talk PM me. I have extensive experience in this realm. From 18 to 39 .... I'll be 40 next week and my childhood still haunts me, but I have decided that instead of trying to escape thru SI , I will fight to make my life better with that same amount of energy. Learning that I can handle my own life ( job, apartment, friends etc ) is a healthier way to gain that control. SI for me was playing with fire and instead of escaping through death, all I should have done was run.