Thank you all, really. I wish I could respond to you all individually right now, and I will. Maybe tomorrow. Tonight is not treating me well.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Open Eyes
Teen Idle,
I am sorry if you have talked about it already, but did you lose a sibling, which would be your mother losing a child?
The reason I ask this is that the "grieving" process is different. A mother losing a child will carry a lot of "guilt" and sense of responsibility and that can turn into a deeper challenge then a sibling who, while suffering a big loss, doesn't have the same kind of responsible feeling.
She may have some PTSD going on and that can cause her to "distance" and "fear to love and attach to the remaining children". This can happen without it being a "conscious choice".
Well, before I get to involved with further explaining, maybe you answering my intial question is in order first.
OE
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She did. My brother was terminally ill. He died in our home suddenly on August 11th. Myself and my mom found him. He was already dead.
I may sound cold, and abrasive (not to you, just in general with my feelings towards this) when it comes to this situation because I am very, deeply angry. I feel responsible for his death because I couldn't save him. My sister, my father, feels the same. What I don't understand is that she cares so much more about ashes then she does about her living family. She'd rather die then see my sister graduate high school, then see me graduate college. She'd rather die then see life happen and god forbid smile again.
I know I sound terrible. But this is what I live with every day of my life. He died. He's gone. It wasn't fair, it was never fair. It wasn't fair he had a terminal illness and died at 23. It's not god damn fair. It's not fair my mother has to suffer, it's not fair my father lost his son, it's not fair my sister got stuck with me as her singular older sibling. But I realize that there is LIFE happening. That my sister needs help with college applications and homework, and that she needs to god damn eat. I don't tell her "oh maybe I'll die and be with my brother again". THAT'S NOT RIGHT. It's never right and it's never fair.
I understand distancing yourself. I do that. But to treat your surviving children with such minimal regard is so very god damn disturbing. What if I were to die tomorrow? What would she do? Look back on these past months and hate herself more? This needs to end. She needs to take her meds. She needs to be honest in therapy. She needs to stop throwing the rest of us under the bus.
I love her to death. I do. But that woman I loved, that mother, is gone. So I'm not only grieving my brother. I am grieving the living.