I have been so depressed lately, and I keep thinking to myself, where has my life gone? I had 30 years to accomplish something, what have I done? Seriously, where am I headed? There are so many things I wish I could do over. I wish I could redo my life, at least from the time I graduated high school. It depresses me so much to think of all the things that could've happened. Instead I had a breakdown in 2001 and had to leave FSU, worked until 2002 when I started at a community college, and tried to make up my mind what to do. Why did I take so long to figure out what I wanted to do? I got my associate's and started on my bachelor's still not sure of my path. So I choose one that I love, eventually, and I graduate when the economy tanks. I think grad school will be a good answer, so I try that. I have another breakdown and have to leave. I go through job after job from 2010 to 2012. I was thinking it was the jobs that were making me unhappy, and at the slightest bad day, I would quit. But it wasn't the jobs, it was me. It took me from 2010 to last October to find a job in my field. I still feel useless. So I analyze your drinking water for you, I analyze what's coming in and going out of the poop plant I work at. Is this even meaningful? I certainly am not going to quit, I like my job, but I am unhappy with myself. I still don't feel like I'm accomplishing anything. I make sure the local water is safe to drink and play in. I make sure our effluent is safe. I monitor any events that come up. I do outreach for children. But will any of this matter 50 years from now? Will anything I do even make a small impact on anyone? I keep thinking to myself, I've had 30 years and what have I done? I'm not getting any younger. I can see minute wrinkles appearing on my face. I haven't had a relationship in 10 years. I have no kids. I'm fat. I do my job, go home, sleep, and repeat. I have no life. But I don't know what to do about it! I can't seem to get motivated to do anything. I think my medication needs to be adjusted. But I can't remember to go to the doctor or to keep an appointment! My appointment was supposed to have been for the 22nd. Did I remember? No. I sleep a lot. I don't exercise except what I get at work. I want to feel cared about by someone other than family members and close friends. I want someone to need me and to love me. I'm still trying to work on a relationship with "him" but I'm not sure where that's headed. That's still up in the air. I feel so utterly useless. I feel like if I were gone, it wouldn't matter. Not that I'd ever do that, I wouldn't, but I feel like I'm contributing nothing to this world. Now I'm trying to live my life and make it fuller when I had 30 years to do that! I'm afraid when my mom eventually passes on, that will be the end of me. We are very close, and she is everything to me, and I'm so afraid that when that time comes, I won't be able to handle it. She had me to cling to when my grandma died. I will have no one. What good am I? I mean really?