1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

Some sweaty things are nice to pet!

4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

But the apes are STILL evolving! They're darn close to being human! If we humans don't watch it, we'll be turning into apes... or have some humans already done that?

5. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

One of those humans that's turning into an ape.

7. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

Maybe she puts chili juice on 'em!

10. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him...is he still wrong?

No one has to hear him. He's STILL wrong!

11. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?