For the first time in 19 months, I know what I weigh (as of Sunday).

Full range of emotions.

First, elation. Wow! I don't weigh as much as I thought I did.

Then, the ED voice. If you stopped eating now, you'd weigh even less by the time you go see the nutritionist on Thursday. She'd ask if everything was ok, and you could tell her, "no - everything is not ok" and she'd feel bad for you and give you TLC.

Then I thought, I better check it tomorrow. What if I gained weight overnight?

And when I was about to step on scale next day, I remembered, "STOP! You don't do this. This isn't who you are anymore. If you want to talk to nutritionist about how you're not okay, just TALK TO NUTRITIONIST. You don't have to make it be about weight and food. It's ok to just want and ask for TLC."

So I walked away from scale. And I will go back to not knowing what I weight. I'm not ready for that info yet.

Bub