"And if someone cannot understand how god damn heart breaking that is, I don't know how else to explain it. " quote Teen Idle

I think you explained it really well ((Teen Idle)). You also have a right to be "angry", and you need to be able to let that out and vent too.

You have been left with a lot of the weight in your family, holding things together and it has been very hard on you. I can hear your anger about that and no one can blame you for having that anger either.

How about you, are you seeing a therapist yourself?

(I don't know very much about your history, I have a lot going on IRL too, I saw your thread and felt your pain and thought I would try to be supportive. So I am not blaming you or trying to say you don't deserve to be validated with "YOUR" challenge
in your situation.)

It sounds to me like your mother is "really stuck". Her failure to "see" others in a healthy way and even her acting out her anger in unhealthy ways is saying that loud and clear to me. PTSD isn't fair to anyone. And when someone is in her condition the anger of other family members and her own guilt and frustration, only makes it worse.

The fact that she isn't taking her medication or bothering to go to therapy is also telling me how she is turning her grief and anger inward and she is beginning to be convinced that "no one will be able to validate her so she might as well give up". That is how I felt too. I didn't even understand "why" I was so bad and I went through a period where I had very dangerous thoughts. There were days that were so bad that if anyone pushed a bit more anger in my direction, I would "not" be here. That is not like me "at all" either. It was progressive with me and this bad part began to take hold of me "three years" after the event that sent me into the PTSD trap that I really never knew could happen.

Look, I am not trying to "defend" your mother or "invalidate" your frustration in your scenario either. I "hear you" and I have also been in many situations where "I" had to be the rock in a dysfunctional scenario too. It was very "hard" on me too.

I don't know what medications your mother was on either. I don't know "her" history, but, I can tell that she is in a decline and she has a lot of anger and internal frustration/hurt and she will "not" improve without help.

I understand "your anger and frustration" and even how you feel there is "no excuse" for her behavior and withdrawal from the family and being "functional" in a positive nurturing way. What I can say is that I had that reaction thrown at me and it only made me worse. I honestly did "not" know how to climb out of "where I was psychologically either". I do not know "what was happening in my brain" that made me so crippled and dysfunctional. All I know is that I was very "stuck" and I didn't know how to do anything but retreat or express anger or utter things like your mother is.

Now, your mother may have been seeing a therapist, but maybe the therapist wasn't right for her. I had that happen to me and I even went without a therapist for a while because I genuinely felt that no one was going to be able to "help me" or understand what I needed. I didn't even really "know" how to verbalize what I needed either, I was just so 'stuck".

I understand that you may have PTSD too, however, you are way more functional than your mother is right now. That is in no way trying to "minimize" your challenge either.
PTSD is "very hard" on families, and it produces a lot of anger and frustration and it creates more dysfunction in the family that makes it very hard on "everyone in that family". And everyone in the family "wants some kind of rescuer" too.

Seeing that "you" are the most "functioning entity" in your family, you need to find a therapist that can "help you" and your family. Your mother needs help and she needs to have the chance to "have exclusive validation and comforting" that none of her family can give to her. And the anger/expectation she has around her is only going to "make her worse". Her brain is "stuck" and she has no idea "how" to get away from that "stuck".

I am in no way "minimizing" your pain and anger either. For the person in the family that is the strongest and is trying to hold things together, it is also very difficult and extremely frustrating and draining. "YOU' need to have a "constant support system for you too". I am glad that you found PC as a source of validation and support, but that is not enough.

You need to find a good therapist that can help you get your entire family into therapy. Your mother definitely needs help and she may need to have that help "forced on her" but if it isn't the right help, she "will not respond well". I know for myself that once I found the right therapist who understands PTSD/trauma therapy and gave me what I needed, I began to be more encouraged to stay in therapy and I began to "improve". However, it has not been overnight for me, but at least I got into a path of healing verses "just getting worse".

I didn't have quite the same scenario as you do, but my daughter tried to "pick up the pieces" and be strong too. I could not understand "why" the day didn't come where I got that ability to "rise up out of the ashes" as I had done so many other times in my life. My daughter began to get more and more angry with me, and I kept descending into depression and began to need more naps and began to get worse.

From where I am now, and understanding PTSD a bit better, I was expressing all the warning signs that I seriously needed "help". Unfortunately my family was never educated in "what to look for" and they just got more and more "angry with me". My daughter uttered the same thing you are saying almost verbatim too, 'There is no excuse". I tried to "figure out" what was wrong with me, but I just got worse and worse. I actually ended up going into a "PTSD rage' directed at my daughter. I could not stop that "rage" either.

After I calmed down, I felt awful and I didn't understand "why" it happened. I asked all my friends and 'NO ONE' had the right answer, everyone had answers but "not the right one". My daughter was so hurt she moved out. That made me feel worse and I descended even more.
My husband was angry with me a lot too. My state of mind got even worse and I became very suicidal. No one believed me, my husband even kept a loaded gun in the night stand next to our bed. Like your mother, I wanted so badly to "not exist" somehow.

I used to be "so close" to my daughter, and can relate to how you describe your mother and your relationship. I had lost all of that "inside my mind" and I did not understand "why" at all. Had it not been for PC, I probably would not be here writing this tbh. I happened to have a conversation with a vet here and we talked about how PTSD can present these very hard days where "the desire to end" is incredibly strong. He said to me, if you pay attention though, "it passes" so make sure you hang on no matter how hard it gets, IT WILL PASS.

I didn't tell my T about these really "bad days" either. I didn't tell him because the one thing I knew I didn't want is to "ever" go back to the psychward I went to after the traumatic event where I just lost it. I was not treated properly there and my stay there traumatized me "even more".

I kept having these horrible days too. It was "sooooo hard" to get through them too. Then one day I got a PM from this vet here at PC and he told me that he chose me to "promise" to get rid of his guns and finally go to the psychiatrist to get help. After he did that, that is when I finally made it a point to tell my T how bad it was and how my husband didn't believe me and kept a loaded hand gun next to our bed and that I had gotten so bad that I got it out and sat on the bed holding it in my hands.

I am glad that my daughter moved out. I would have never picked it to happen the way it did, but she would have never understood the journey I took once I called my T and told him "how bad it really was". That is when he called my husband in to see him and explained that "I was very bad and he had to stop and pay attention and stop invalidating me, being mean to me and learn how to be more supportive".

I keep a vigil in the PTSD forum because I know first hand how incredibly lonely it can be. And often people do respond with " There is no excuse" and they do get angry with the person who is struggling. It is "very" hard on families and each person gets "hurt" by it too.

I never imagined struggling the way I have. I did not understand it "at all" and I did get worse and worse too. I am still struggling too, however, I am not as bad as I was when I just "hit bottom" and could not find any way "forward" at all from where I was.

PTSD can get very crippling and it isn't "fair" to anyone. And each person who struggles with it deserves to have "validation" and "help". Each person is different in what they may need in "therapy and time" to finally begin to "heal" and slowly "make gains" to where they can slowly find their way out of the "deep dark hole" that PTSD presents in the psyche.

I "hear you" Teen Idle, and I am very sorry that you are dealing with this incredible challenge. And I certainly do not wish to "add to your anger and frustration". I am glad that you found PC because it can be a very helpful support venue.

However, you need to find a stronger support system/therapist that you can lean on to get your mother help and also give you the support and therapy you need too.

I understand your frustration about your mother "withdrawing from actively continuing therapy and even taking her medications". Well, that means you need help from a professional that is capable of stepping in and helping you with your mother.

OE