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hey guys...recently I have been through a life change internally that is mostly positive but the situation I'm in and trying to be more positive has allowed new and very scary looks at old issues.
Essentially my girlfriend is in a bind and although we will eventually be together and I trust her and listen to her like no other woman (she is partially responsible for my positive changes), she has been forced to stay with her ex and the father of her two kids because she has no where else to go until we have money.
In her life she has been through the wringer a lot and she also has health issues that are worsened by stress.
After she started staying there, my mind has gone into overdrive and althugh I always know I had abandoment issues I never knew how many 'boxes I could tick' and how bad it was for my mental health.
*My Mom dies of MS when I was 18, but in my early life she worked six days and I only saw her on Sunday. Because of that, we were never close and never really formed a bond.
*Later, while she was sick and living in our family home, my dad left for two week with another woman and I was caught in the middle and was forced to do all of the household chores and take care of her during that period at around 12 or so.
*There was definite mental abuse by my father over a large number of years. I was called fat, lazy and stupid and even when I did something good it was ignored. There was also a possible instance of sexual abuse, which I remember from a partial memory and from a comment my father made recently when he was angry where he said: "Don't make me f you like I did when you were little." This convinces me of it but for mos of life I never talked about the memory (basically of him touching my genitals in his bed, where I often slept).
* Almost ever dog or cat I had as a kid and made my friends as I was an outcast was 'dumped'. I recall my favorite dog Sam being driven to another neighborhood and me being forced to let him out of the car. I recall him running behind it trying to catch up with us. This continued till almost the present day when I was forced to leave my birds in another state after my ex kicked me out and I lost a cat I loved for years and said I'd always protect, due to a court battle with my exes father of her kids. This cat and another we had in the house were left in my father's care who said they went 'to a farm' but I now his is lying. The last time I saw them a few Xmases ago they both ran to me when they seen me as if to know what was going on.
*All my exes are of course my exes, but besides those self fulfilling prophecy's, I was also cheated on numerous times by my first girlfriend and sexual partner at 16-18 at about the same period my mom was really sick and dying. My other girlfriends were also probably turned off and pushed away by this, but the one thing I recall most is how they said forever and although I am glad they are gone as it led me to my current girlfriend, this hurt every time as it was just a lie.
*i also found my grandma dead at like five or six years old, and she was my friend, not sure but that could be another 'ticked box.'
Many other bad things happened during these times and now with the current situation I am so afraid even though I trust her and her ex is trying to get her back and although she says she would never my abandonment issues have flared like never before, in a different way where I am aware of them but at times go off the deep end like now, where I called at non and texted after and so far notta).
I feel this girl is so special as I really do trust her not to cheat and I listen to her and take her advice.
Please guys can anyone help me? These feelings suck and I hate them so much and I'm so tired of all the pain and misfortune.
I have a good thing and I know it and I'm SO AFRAID of losing it and also afraid that my behavior will push the issue.
Since reading how hard being in a relationship with an abandonment afflicted person is I am also worried of putting more weight on her shoulders and that she will leave once she realizes how dire this mental issue is. In my heart of hearts I know she is nt that kind of person but still it goes on.
Her living with her ex is an abandonment afflicted person's nightmare and the fact that we communicate less and her situation means I also don't know when I'll see her again are like torture.
I have expressed my feelings on a few occasions and already feel that familiar sensation of someone not seeing the person they love but some *** who cannot control his emotions.
Late this morning while reading all this I came upon an article where they say that feelings of anger and sorrow are like being drunk. Once they are diffused, usually by me talking to her and having contact the feeling slip away for awhile, but as I keep saying her situation is hard enough on her and her health and I am afraid of adding any more weight ot her currently heavy mental load.
i really don't want to lose out on a relationship that has so much trust love and promise but I don't know what to do. Cannot afford psych help right now as I have to save money to get out of this situation but I am at a loss...help me please if you can...thank you!
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