I know how you feel. I didn't accept my diagnosis for years. it was not until a pdoc handed me a check off list of about a hundred symptoms of bipolar and I could check off about 96 of them that I finally believed I was bipolar and still did not fully accept it. the reality did not fully sink in until years later when I had a break down and was hospitalized against my will. then it sunk in that I was ill and needed to do something about it. I never want to be there again. good luck to you.