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So – looked into therapy through my insurance… they won’t allow us to attend as a couple because he smokes so much. But, I am allowed to go along and will start going. I am hoping that will help me with my issues and ultimately our relationship, even if that means we split.
Update on us. We got into a big fight last week. Story…
I was at a 6hr high-profile client meeting in an area that doesn’t get very good cell phone reception. During the meeting, my husband called me 3 times and sent a yelling text (IN ALL CAPS) to answer my phone. Thing is – I didn’t get his calls or messages until after my meeting and I called him back right away to find out that he was seething with anger towards me for not being accessible because he needed our insurance information for a last minute Dr. appt. He wanted this Dr. appt to happen before he went on another outing in the mountains – which he was apparently planning for the next day. He raised his voice at me and was very rude.
#1 - he knew I was in a meeting that morning and would be hard to reach (to be fair, he didn’t know that the meeting would last for 6hrs)… #2 – I had no idea that he was planning to try and make a Dr. Appt for that day (to be fair, it was something we had talked about a few days beforehand… that he planned to make an appointment soon and that when he did, I would fax the information to the Dr.)… #3 – This was not an emergency (to be fair, he has made several comments in the past about how much he hates that I am not accessible during my meetings with clients. Mind you, there has not been an actual emergency to get really upset about. Knock on wood.).
I felt that he had no right to be so upset so I stood up for myself and yelled back at him. I told him to get over it because I had done nothing wrong. I hung up on him and finished my very busy day at work. I picked the babies up from sitter, bathed them and put them to bed. Then, the fight escalated later that night and he ended up calling me a b***h, c**t, retarded and crazy. I only told him that he was acting like a jerk towards me and I wanted an apology because I had done nothing to deserve such treatment. It boiled down to his belief that it is my job as his wife to keep him from getting angry or that when I realize he is getting angry (because it is so obvious to me) that it is my job to calm him down. I refused to “comply” – as he put it. I still refuse to be responsible for things I am not responsible for. That is a lose-lose situation – no thank you! The argument stopped at an agree to disagree and him saying something like “fine, I won’t get mad at you then so you will see that all of our problems are based on your inability to… whatever” Hey, I am all for that! We haven’t fought since!! Look, I will own up to things that I do wrong or whatever. I follow the rules. AND - I NEVER purposely do anything wrong or to hurt anyone. I don’t even lie. Seriously. Every time I have tried in my life – it adds up to a huge disaster. I have nothing to hide.
The next couple of days consisted of him taking outings and giving himself a mohawk. It does look good, by the way. I have told him that I am not sure I really want to be around him. Then I also saw a text message between him and one of those sisters he works with. He was planning to help then install a dryer or something like that. The thing got cancelled and he texted something along the lines of being bummed out he couldn’t assist with their dirty panties. I approached him and told him I saw it. I said that was skeezy and something a creepy married man would do. I told him I don’t trust him. Then he finally said that he thinks we just need to start over… completely forgive each other for the things that we have done and start over.
The thing is… I don’t think I have done anything wrong – at least not purposefully. I have already owned up to the things that I did while I was sick with post partum… what else can I do!!??
I don’t know… he seems to be putting everything back on me.
Now I want to make a list of all the things I want in a marriage… the things I expect out of him as my husband, partner, friend, father to my children. I just cant seem to sit and get it out on paper. Maybe I am still formulating the list in my head or maybe I really don’t want him anymore. I vacillate between making it work and giving up on a daily basis. I dont know what I want.
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