I am new to this and this is the first time I am openly talking about this. I suffered from depression for years and it resulted in becoming a classified binge drinker and a night if insane amount of alcohol and a suicide attempt. I had always had an issue with the way I looked even when I knew I was very fit. I had always felt I could be better. After the suicide attempt (scared me sober and gave me a new perspective on life I started taking care of myself) I felt great. I am very positive and always have a smile. I can conceal my true emotions better than my makeup can cover small blemishes. I was never the one to wear my emotions on my sleeve. Anyway, I had a baby 4 months ago. Before I gave birth I knew that I was going to "diet" in order to feel comfortable in a bikini. I feel like I look great but I cannot seem to get the guilt off my back every time food touches my lips. It doesn't even matter how much I eat...I make sure it is gone soon after. I have been hiding this for months now and no one knows...at least no one has mentioned it. I do not eat in from of people unless I feel like if I don't it will be obvious. I am ashamed both when I eat and induce vomiting and when I do not eat. If I put something in my mouth and look in the mirror, I can see the fat instantly. I do not weight myself but I know I have lost weight. I have dropped 3 pant sizes in 2 1/2 months. Another bad thing is I kind of enjoy when I have hunger pains I have children and want to be healthy but I wonder if I ever will be. Not just with my eating habits but with my emotional issues and fear of abandonment. I do not feel depressed, in fact I love who I am personality wise. I just need advice...if anyone is willing to help me, guide me anything. Thank you.