Hi. I am new to posting here and am scared to let go. I have read for a while and I find that the support here is great but I am afraid I will not be accepted because that is how I have always felt. Here it is another middle of the night. The days come and go so quickly but the nights are very long and sleepless. This time of year holds so much pain. As the pain and feelings of abandonment seep in I find myself lost. I want to run and be swept away where I don't have to answer to anyone for the way I feel. To think is hard and thoughts go back where no one was there. To be so unwanted at a time you were suppose to learn hope, love, and a sense of belonging. Neglect lingers to the point that even now I find no understanding of words-they are just that-words. Found in black and white in a book that contains pages and pages of them, with a written meaning that is neither heartfelt or understood, until you turn to the U's for unloved, unwanted, used, or useless. Those are the kind of words I can put meaning with. Those are the words that make sense, that seem to have a place. I try to think of positive, uplifting thoughts but the black clouds just roll in and the only truth I know swallows me. I cannot run from what I know for I'm not scared of it. It is what I do not know that scares me. It's those that call or show up once every month or so and tells you they care and how much you've changed that scare you. For you haven't changed, you just are merely hiding because being who you are is not acceptable. You learn to be what they expect so they will not judge you. You paint on a mask to be what you need to be and you play along with the game of being fine so you don't disappoint anyone. But the lonely, unloved truth sits deep in the pit of your stomach aching to be heard, longing to be understood, but knowing that the secrets must be kept so no judgements will come. Those ten minutes seem like hours as you fight back the tears that are screaming for someone to just listen. You just long for a moment for someome to just look in the eyes just beyond the mask, behind the make-up, and the words "I'm find" to who you really are. Those words that should be a warning but to ears that don't want to hear mean nothing. The expectation was set and you must meat the requirements to receive the ten minutes of thought. Those that say they care are only there if you are what they expect. Does anyone really listen? Can anyone hear what I cannot seem to put into words? Depression in and of itself is so hard but when you try to hide it just gets harder to stand. I have fought depression since I was a child and I feel myself sinking right now. And I'm scared. Is there anyone there?