Hi there - welcome to the club no one wants to be in! I understand where you are coming from. Seeing a therapist after I was diagnosed helped me eventually accept my illness. Try to remember you are not your illness - we are here to support you. Hang in there. Read up on bipolar disorder as much as you can - I really liked An Unquiet Mind by Kay Redfield Jamison. There's a sticky up top for recommended reads. Take care.