I have an appointment next week, after I walked away from my two-year therapy, to talk about the transference issue.

Since I am on a longer trip, T suggested journaling as providing a container for my feelings and a medium for sorting them out. To my surprise, it is so difficult to put those feelings into words. I reviewed my journal and found it quite useless – what I have done was to rationalize my emotions and feelings. It sounds more like I am the psychotherapist analyzing someone else’s issues. I know enough now to know that a journal like this provides no material for therapy, and that we will end up talking like colleagues over this difficult issue.

I emailed T about my barrier, and he wrote back and asked me to stop doing his job. He said that dealing with transference issues was among the most intense aspects of any course of therapy, and that he was fully committed to working with me to resolve it. But he was not going to talk to me as a colleague but as my T.

I do trust his ability in dealing with this tough issue. But I really doubt how much room we have here for "negotiation."

For a long period of time, it never occurred to me that I would want to talk about this issue. I somehow treated it as a shadow in which I felt the support and comfort I needed to go through the difficult work. In other words, I needed this strong connection, a powerful force, to push me deeper, although it was not at all easy.

But it finally got in the way of the therapy. I brought it up because it seemed to demand attentions – I was no longer able to freely record dreams and openly talk about emotions and feelings. I started avoiding, hiding, and finally escaping.

Several weeks ago in a session, I suddenly determined to end it altogether. I saw a flash of twitch in T's eyes when I announced it. But it's quickly recovered with a rational goodbye session. We acknowledged the efforts the other person made and the progress the therapy reached. He gave some directions on how to cope with symptoms like nightmares or flashbacks and said that I knew how to find him when I needed.

I felt sad but somehow relieved when I walked out of his office. But a surge of emotion started building up stronger and stronger, and I literally felt paralyzed at the end of the day. The pain was beyond my understanding. But I had to take it for it was my own choice.

T emailed me shortly thereafter, and asked me to consider resuming the therapy for the remaining work. I accepted the suggestion with hesitation, and brought up the transference issue. He appreciated my bringing up this difficult subject, and promised to work with me to resolve it. So, we are going to talk about it in person next week.

I see clearly that I am (or perhaps we are) facing a dilemma in terms of continuing the therapy -- I am eager to work through the issue instead of escaping it. Meanwhile, this prospect itself is frightening to me. Here, I am not talking about ego related issues, such as vulnerabilities or embarrassment. What I am afraid most is that, without a deep connection, I will fall into a total rational state as I was before -- stable but not workable!

I feel sad that I am at this moment still so rational although deep down my soul is crying. I don't think I have harmed anyone -- I never expected anything from T other than a T. Counter transference? Certainly. But I never allowed myself to go there, for it is already very hard in dealing with this side of the problem. And I never give less to my husband, and he is one of the reasons I suddenly pulled myself out of the therapy and arranged a three-week cruise trip with him. If anyone gets hart, it’s me! I have been consumed by those burning feelings day and night, devastated and exhausted!

This is the last day of my trip, and I come here to take a deep breath, and moan a little before heading back to face such an awkward situation.

Please help, would you!



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