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Originally Posted by sweetpea_tx
My boyfriend is, for the most part, great. Says he'll see me through all of this. The problem is trying to convey to him the way I feel (he says that I'm emotionally closed off... I say I have some trust issues). If I try to explain that I am feeling conflicting things, that part of me just wants to crawl in bed and never come out, while I still have a part of me that's saying that I can do anything that I want to... he says everyone feels that way. Its like he can't fathom that I have been feeling this way for a little better than a month. He thinks that its just because I miss him, because I spent the weekend with him. I told him exactly what I told the counselor that did my intakee today... and he just tries to make me into a normal person in all of that. He knows about those "lapses in judgement" I've made in the past where I have done harm to myself, when that seemed like the easier way to deal. He says that I am two different people... one when I'm with him, and one when I'm not... why can't he see that I am the same person, its the mood that makes me seem like two people? He sees that I was on facebook, and says that I can't be feeling that bad, if I can be social with my friends back in Iowa, and if I want to hang on so tightly to the past, why don't i just go back to Iowa. I got on facebook to post him a note, and did some fluff quizzes to kill time until he returned my phone call. Where's the harm in that? Its not like there's much of a point in trying to find a job at this hour. How do I get through to him? How do I make him see the fact that yes, everyone goes through crap, but I can get stuck in it? That right now, I'm going through the emotional wringer from one end of the spectrum to the other, and I can't for the life of me make it stop? That a beer or a smoke won't do for me what it could very well do for someone normal? URGH!
Help? Comments... advice... anything?
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Honey, you and your boyfriend are young. I don't even need for you to tell me that to know it; I've been there. I recognize it.
How to best describe this for you? One of the primary characteristics of youth is, of course, innocence--or put another way, igrnorance.
Your boyfriend, in his youtfhful ignornace, is tyringt to help you in the only way he knows how, the straight-forward, uncomplicated reassurance of "oh, you're o.k. It's not that bad". This is him showing his love for you in the only way he knows how as a youth. In an uncomplicated way...I konw, I was one myself once.
He 1)feels that it is his manly duty to reassure your "fragile female insecurities" by attempting to minimize what you're telling him. He sees this as his responsibility, because he sees agreeing with you as "giving in", and admitting that there is "something wrong with you"...and he feels that if he does so, he will be betraying you. In his innocent male youthfulness, he sees his role as to assure you that 'it's all just in your head, and if you stop thinking about it, it will go away", as his main perspective, not having had any more experience with life than that. He is trying to do right by you, to be strong for you, and to show you that he doesn't think there is anything wrong with you as a way of proving his love to you. This is a very youthful, simplistic, and typical approach of young men. Again, I know, I was one.
He doesnh't have the skills, experience, or frame of reference to process ad put into persepctive what you're telling him...so in typical male fashion, he sees his role as to minimize it, so that you yourself witll follow his lead in minimizing it, and it will thereby all go away.
It's not his fault. He is trying to to help you in the only way he inows how, it just happens to be a very limited, simplistic way.
You need to appreciate that perspective, othewise you will see him as "opposed" to you because he "doesn't believe you or take you seriously".
But from his perspective, believing you and taking you seriously is to hurt you, and to perpetuate your preoccupations and concerns.
Young males have one primary coping skill: denial...which is to say...to simply act as if everything's fine. And that's what he's trying to help you do. He feels that to do otherwise would be to "fan the flames" of something you need to just "put out" by not focusing on it.
The bottom line is that you can't make him see that 'you're not normal' because he is INVESTED in seeing you as normal...not only because he doesn't want to be with soemone abnormal, but becuase he feels that if he agrees with you, he's not "leading you towards the light", as he feels is his manly duty.
Young love is never easy...but in some ways it's the easiest love you'll ever know, because it's based almost entirely upon passion and romance.
And listen--this is my two cents--my fiance in college was borderline and manic/depressive, and I've had several girlfriends who were severe trauma victims and had "issues" no normal person could conceive of.
You have to make a quality decision. What I mean by that, is whether you think you still have a shot at "pulling it all together" and gettting through this, to function in an at least remotely normal way, even if it just feels like "passing for normal" most of the time...or whether you really need some professional help, and just can't hold it together enough to the point where you can eventually hope to "walk it off" by perfoming the functions life expects of you in an appropriate way, on a regular basis.
If you can in fact "fake it till you make it", it will get better. You will even out. Your concerns will become progressively less overwhelming. You'll grow up. I've seen it time and time again.
But if you're sure you're really giving it your all and you're still not able to hold it together in an even basically functional level, You need to schedule an "intervention" style confrontation with your boyfriend. Otherwise he's going to continue to use the immature male tools he has of minimizing your concerns, and placating you, hoping you'll just "snap out" of your "emotionalism".
You're also fairly obviously co-dependant upon him, which isn't unusual for someone feeling as helpless as you obviously do.
But you have to decide. If you really need healing....and a smuch as young love may tell us that love conquers all---he can't heal you. Not if you have real mental health/emotional issues. And that's just a fact.
If you finally reach this conclusion, the mature thing to do, and I know it's hard at your age, would be to just let him go, so that you can focus on yourself, and your needs.
Because being with someone who can't/won't understand is demeaning, isolating, and damaging to an already fragile state. If you are sure you have what you think you have, you can't just "buck up" pretend it's not happening, and be little miss perfect for him. And trying to do so will REALLY drive you crazy.
THat's my two cents, from someone who's been there.