Blue, my heart is breaking for you. Jason was my only child and the drugs took him down in less than a year, but during that year I felt the anguish I think you are going through.

So many times I blamed myself, like you for being too soft or was my depression the cause of his trouble. My husband and I were always going back and forth do we kick him out on the street or continue to let him stay here with strict rules. Today I still ask myself did we love him to death ? Jason was not the violent type, the opiates just mellowed him out more. If he had been I am sure we would have kicked him out , remember he was 27, we had no responsibility to let him stay.

I do remember a few people who had been through similar situations telling us going to jail might not be a bad thing for Jason. I don't know it never got that far. But you surely can't continue to live like this. It must be hell.

Please if you feel so suicidal that you have a plan, go into the hospital. I don't know your work situation, so maybe this is easier said then done. Can you get disability ?

Suicide is permanent, I know no matter how awful things are now they can get better. I like the long weekend idea. Could you go into the hospital for a long weekend. Where you could rest, distance yourself from the turmoil, take some much needed time for yourself. It could be a time to reflect and gain the support of others.

I am going to pray to Jason to look down and help your son. Somehow I feel that is his job now.

Please, Please take care of yourself. You are a very special person. Keep us updated on how things are going.