After yet another negative confrontation last night I am starting to have serious doubts about if I will ever really be understood by my girlfriend. She does do more than her fair share of research into my illness, however despite this she lacks the context to really understand. The words on the page can not accurately describe the feeling of being trapped by your own mind, of being "along for the ride" with no control over speed or direction. I try to explain, but I lack the words and start to doubt the words even exist. It has been said that someone without bipolar cannot really understand bipolar in more than an abstract way. And after so many talks turned sour about this topic I am starting to believe it myself.

She reads her books and blogs and websites, then comes back with "you are x so you should do y". I try to explain it does not work that way. When my brain is in a state of paranoia or anxiety or irritability that I am beholden to these moods and can not change them no matter how much I want to. Telling me what normal people do to shift out of a mood simply will not work. You can't cheer me up out of a depression. You can't calm my anxiety. You can not sooth my irritability. I am what my brain wants me to be at that moment. She says I am not trying, she says I could do it if I want to. So now, despite how much she tries to "help" I find myself walking alone down the road to recovery. yeah, she handles the physical me, keeps my spending and diet check, but there is no emotional support. And I just have no words to tell her how much I need it without it devolving into how I "just want to do what you want".

I just want to hide somewhere and not come out