things I'm currently failing at:

• my job
• my friendships
• household chores like laundry (I have a stinky clothes mountain that I can't even fathom tackling)
• staying skinny (I think I've gained a minuscule amount of weight; this is unacceptable)
• being a good wife
• abstaining from self injury
• exercise
• eating (I seem to have stopped..)
• sleeping
• being a capable 'effing adult
• life

All of this.... this madness is entirely my own creation. If I wasn't such a pathetic weakling, I'd be able to handle stress better. I've created all these problems, but outside of my head everything is fine. My husband is none-the-wiser to my moods, as I put particular effort in shielding him from my depression. Minor slip ups are excused away by 'tiredness'.

I thought everyone at my job hated me, but it turns out they don't even know that I exist. I'm still trying to determine if my invisibility is a good thing or not, however I have determined that my previously held assumption (wide spread hatred) indicates that I'm still a selfish, egotistical, narcissist, who doesn't deserve kindness. See, wonky logic dictates that I'm a non-entity. So, to assume other people hate me, is to assume other people think about me. To assume other people expend mental energy on me is an incredibly narcissistic thought, especially for a non-entity such as myself.

I just want to scratch away my flesh, show them (who? everyone I guess) how I truly feel. But I won't; I'm prevented by vanity, honor, and the realization that no one has any ****s to give about me and my silly problems. So I stick with superficial methods, that clear up in a few hours. Look at me, such a ****ing badass with my paperclip. pfft I make myself sick.

The SI tension makes my stomach hurt, guess I can't have lunch (ohhhh nooo, how terrible *eyeroll*)