Yeah, you sound like me before I admitted to myself that what I experienced in childhood was actually emotional and (in my case) physical abuse. My mom kept telling me that everything she was doing to me was normal and okay. I was a child and had no reason to question that she was right and what they were doing was normal.

I couldn't see that what they were doing was wrong. My parents were together. I just assumed that my family was normal and the problem is that I am just an ungrateful spoiled brat for hating them and getting defense/angry at my mother at the drop of the hat. No one had ever taught me what "abuse" was and I had no way of knowing what verbal abuse was or that everyone didn't hate their parents. But eventually, I started to realize that most people don't feel the way I do about my parents. I started reading articles on the topic and I realized that my family was not "cookie cutter" and I was actually badly abused. My mom tricked me into thinking otherwise because she knew she was abusing me and didn't want to change. That took a long time for me to come to terms with, but the chance that maybe they were wrong really validated my feelings.

You're affected by it because they are your parents. They are the only people in the world that are supposed to love and support you and instead, they are hurting you. Anyone would be deeply affected by their mom telling them that their opinion doesn't matter. That's only natural. You never deserve being called names by your parents. I don't care what you did, a child always deserves respect from their parents. Parents are supposed to guide and teach their kids. Sometimes it involves punishment, but it never involves belittlement. You never deserve to hear your mom say she wishes you weren't her daughter and almost getting hit by your dad is not something that happens in a "cookie cutter" family. You have every right to feel whatever you might feel towards your family. It is not selfish. It is selfish of YOUR PARENTS to say those horrible things to you.

If you are underage (which I think you are) and they are emotionally abusing you constantly, you need to tell someone. If your dad ever actually does hit you, you need to tell someone. It isn't your fault, it isn't ever your fault. They are the adults and are supposed to exercise self control. You deserve to escape that situation. It is not selfish at all to go live with your grandparents.

Also, if you are having suicidal thoughts, you NEED TO TELL SOMEONE. Tell a school counselor. Don't bother with your parents. I can't tell you with 100% certainty that it gets better because I don't know, but I can tell you that it got better for me. I don't have to hide in my room for 10 hours anymore. I'm 20 years old and I don't live with them throughout the year anymore. I can walk into my kitchen and grab food without fear of hearing about how much of a fat loser I am. I'm still working on figuring out how to get out of their house year round. But yeah. I can relate to your story so much and I feel so much for you still in that situation.