It's weird, I am not even sure that I've ever posted in this forum.
I am pretty sure I am either going into depression again, or I've already been here for awhile. I have no energy. I don't want to leave the house, see other people, engage in life. I have had a few borderline suicidal thoughts in the last few weeks. Not planning or anything like that. Just like, What's the point? Why do I bother? It always turns out the same.
I hate being here. I hate having done so much hard work in my life, having overcome so many things and it seems like every single time things start looking like possibly there's going to be a break and things are going to go well for a change, I either get there and it's very brief and then I crash, or I just crash before I even get there, either in panic or despair or defeat or whatever.
I've been feeling lately like nothing is ever going to change. Despite all this work that I've done - DBT, CBT, counselling, therapy groups, inpatient treatment facilities, psychiatry, EMDR, co-occurring disorder treatment, ED treatment, spirituality - things just keep doing the same thing. I've been living with mental illness (again) for four years. I've lost a lot of things due to this, and put in some new stuff, gotten better perspective and awareness, some great opportunities with my writing and with my spiritual path, developed and grown tons as a person. I have met and been involved in some really cool radical communities here in my city that actually support me.
The problem is that depression hits, and then I have to drop it all because even when I do have the energy to interact with anyone (which is almost never) I feel socially awkward, uncomfortably, rigid, and inept. I feel like everyone's lives are moving along. Most of the people I know, despite recovering from addiction, mental illness, physical illness and/or EDs, have jobs, are going to school, travelling, supporting themselves, living independently, and here I am four years later doing the same **** I was four years ago. I feel like whenever I interact with people they're talking about whatever's going on in their lives and for me it's mental illness. ED. Mental illness. ED. Recovery. Being on disability. How I 'want to' do this, I'm 'planning to' do that.
Right now I feel lame, stuck, and confused. I don't want to relapse on anything. Not food, not drinking, drugs, smoking, sex, any of the stuff I've had problems with in the past. I just want this to stop. I am tired of not being able to make any decisions, of feeling paralyzed every time one comes up. I am tired of feeling like it's one step forward and six steps back.
I just had to post this. I feel a little frantic. Don't know what to do. Pissed off at the way my life turned out. Mad that I wasn't cared for. Bitter that there were so many wasted years. It seems all the stuff that truly, genuinely sparks desire inside of me is stuff that I have to have been trained in. I wasn't able to keep up dancing, theatre, music, or art in my life and I feel like my writing needs so much work to get me to a place where I'd be comfortable submitting it to publishers, which is a goal/dream of mine. I have considered studying creative writing because I think it would be kind of cool, but then there's the immediate backlash: 'It won't get you a job.'
I have been considering social work, or community support, or youth work. I keep thinking that if I am going to settle for something in a career-type field then it might as well be something where I can use my experience and maybe help change someone's life. But is it something I will be happy doing? Or will it only make me more miserable? I know I like reaching out to people on here, and other sites, and in my daily life. I enjoy helping people. But if it was a job would I feel the same?
I have been filling out applications for volunteer jobs and some neat ones have come up. I am going to give them a try and see what comes out of it. Should at least give me a better idea of whether or not I'd enjoy social service work.
I don't know. I guess I'm just venting. The other side of me feels that no matter what I choose I don't even know if I'll be able to finish it, or if I'll have to drop it like everything else.
I'm just grateful I have this community, where I can be myself. I can be depressed here. I can express it. I don't have to be a superhero.