Hello , I have been feeling low for a very long time now, since I was 14 y/o. I'm not sure if it is me feeling blue or sorry for myself. I have very low confidence, I believe myself to be fat and ugly and whenever somebody tells me otherwise I always feel they are teasing or mocking me. I felt so low when I was trying to tell my mother that I think I am depressed but she brushed it off as me eating a low amount of sugar. At one time, I was in a really dark place and I was contemplating how to quickly and efficiently end my life. I thought it could help me numb the "pain" feeling I have inside. Since I started going college, in the first term, I took about a month off school because I had a really bad ear infection. This meant I missed a lot of work and that resulted in me dropping a subject. I wanted to do medicine and this has ruined my chances now. This meant I had free days and I would just use them to sleep in bed because I couldn't be bothered anymore. I don't go out or have any friends I can talk to. What makes me feel even low is seeing how everyone in the year I use to be in carry on with their lives and I am 1 year behind them. Also, when I go through Facebook and see the pictures people upload there. A friend of mine even got a hospital work placement that I had waned to get but as usual, I can't. Them going parties or hanging with friends and them wearing nice clothes because they can fit into them and I'm just sitting at home, only going out to buy food or pick up my sister. I unfortunately try and help myself by eating comfort food. When I'm taking a mouthful of food, I have a voice in my head saying "Look how greedy you are, you can't get skinny by doing this, your not worth it" but I still keep eating because that is how I can cope but it isn't working. Everyone in my family are better than me. I remember hearing my gran say that when my sister was small, our uncle would say when she is older, she is going to be very pretty, that made me feel even low. Also, it is quite clearly seen that my sister is the favourite in the family. When she goes out with mum, she gets new clothes (3-5 items) and 2 pairs of shoes. Then when I go out with mum, the most I got was two trousers and I needed shoes but didn't get them.

I don't know what to do anymore. The only thing stopping me from ending my life now is the thought of going to hell for taking my own life. What should I do? I can't talk to anyone and revealing myself on here is the only chance I've got to express myself and get help. Is it depression?

Thanks for reading