Hello, I'm new here and looking for answers to something very hard for me, sorry it is long

My therapist and I have been working together 3yrs through in person sessions and e-mail. E-mail was used as an open place for me to vent and her replies were short and validating, regardless if she had time to read most of it or not. During a difficult time for her personally there was a huge disclosure about some upsetting and stressful things going on in her life. It lead to her saying something very damaging and demeaning to me - when we talked she later admitted it was a reaction to the things going on in her life (separate from me), it wasn’t her true thoughts of me, and she was sorry.

Unfortunately, I was extremely triggered but had a primary therapist (this therapist was specialized in a condition I needed extra help with and coordinated with my primary provider) to process most of this with. Due to my own transference issues, and what I felt was an equally gross management of countertransference my therapist and I could not re-develop trust.

While I am sorting through my emotional life I do have a developed understanding of transference and that the extreme intensity of feeling in this situation was fueled heavily by my past. Despite my best efforts to explain this to my therapist I was met with “the transference stops NOW” as a solution to resolving my feelings. That was both surprising as it was unhelpful. When I originally started therapy with my primary provider, it was difficult due to my independent, and dismissive nature. The negative transference was intense and it was worked through with patience and ease over a couple years to the point where when I am feeling something about my therapist that I’m pretty sure is coming from somewhere else, I can say so when I present the issue. My other therapist and I had not done this because it had not been a focal point in our work and clearly she was as equally unequipped as I was.

Several exchanges through e-mail lead to her revoking our communication there, due to our misunderstandings and the intensity of my feelings. This was and continues to be difficult to work through and my therapist has worked on and told me she has now worked on, at my request, not assuming my thoughts or emotions without asking what I think, or feel. I’ve felt at blame and at fault for the situation, as I tend to be a perfectionist and have spent the entirety of my life believing I somehow have superpowers - where I am so evil and bad that I just make people evil and bad, too (I’m working on it!). I’ve wanted my e-mail records because I had not saved them. My therapist, as part of her person issues had lost her internet service provider and the e-mail service with them (Quest I believe) and no longer had any of my e-mails.

I’m concerned that someone could start an account with her username and have access to them, could that happen? I still struggle with leaving this therapist and have tried to find another specialist in the area on my insurance plan. What do therapist’s generally do with e-mail records? She told me that she asked several colleagues if I should be allowed to continue e-mailing her, and they advised her no but I do not think they advised her on keeping records. Am I being insane to ask for these? I wish I’d saved them, I just want to see what went wrong and have a history of my journey.

Thank you!