Something that often comes up on here: people worry their Ts don't really care, that they're "just a paycheck". I have a theory as to why that is. Maybe it's obvious, but it's taken me seven months to make this connection and I thought it might be worth sharing.

For months, I was convinced my T didn't care about doing his best for me, no matter what he said or how much effort he made. I criticise him for every tiny mistake he makes, I constantly look for proof that he doesn't care and I miss his attempts to connect with me, over and over again. Gradually though, I've built up a mental store of things he has said and done. I have started to notice how kind and caring he is. While I've been biting his head off, he has been telling me and showing me that I matter to him and I've been afraid to believe it. Okay, so I AM a paycheck, but he works hard for that paycheck. He doesn't just sit there and take it for granted. He must care or he wouldn't make the effort.

So why couldn't I just see that to start with? Why is it so hard to believe, so seemingly absurd? Well, I have a theory. The other day, I heard someone say: "Nobody loves you like your mum does," and I thought: but my mum doesn't love me like that, she isn't there for me and she has never made an effort for me. Which got me thinking. For some of us, our parents didn't step up and meet the job description. They expected the job title - parent, mother, father - without putting in the effort, without bothering to do the job well. A lot of us have had parents like this. Parents who taught us that we weren't worth the effort and we shouldn't expect much or anything at all, who made us wonder: "what's wrong with me?" and led us to believe, consciously or unconsciously, that we were simply not worth it. So it's logical that we would expect the same from our Ts.

So I'm wondering: those of you who worry that you're just a paycheck, that your T doesn't really care. Did you or do you have an insecure relationship with your parents? Did they have expectations of you while not giving you enough or making enough effort for you? Did they make you wonder why you were not worth it? And do you think that has made you expect the same from your T?