This is interesting. I also have trouble believing T cares about me - often I think he doesn't care that much, that he sees me as an object to cure rather than a human in pain, or that he thinks I moan too much about stuff that's not that bad. Other times I think he does care, but then an insistent little voice in my head says 'don't be ridiculous, don't go getting your hopes up' - the voice is a little vicious, but maybe it's trying to protect me from getting disappointed or making a fool of myself and then feeling ashamed.

Recently we did a role play, and I was impressed by how good an actor he was - then freaked out that maybe he was acting all the rest of the time in our sessions too, and caring T was just an act for when it was therapeutically necessary. Maybe I should tell him that.

With my parents, I honestly think they do love and care about me a lot. And I know that I'm lucky for that, and should be grateful. (Or maybe I shouldn't use "should" statements about my emotions ) But for whatever reason - personality? background? - I don't think they were emotionally able to show that caring in the way a child needs. I think my dad withdraws into himself to avoid negative emotions, he never discusses them, and so doesn't reach out with emotional support in difficult times, leaving me feeling cut off from him and rejected. My mum provided tonnes of practical 'help', but in quite an interfering way, without listening to whether me and my brother actually wanted help. She couldn't attune to our emotions, she didn't understand or respect boundaries, she said she loved us a lot but also criticised us a lot, and she couldn't control her anger so sometimes would blow up in scary fits of rage, screaming nasty things at us and blaming us for her anger. I don't think any of those things mean she doesn't love me, but maybe doesn't know how to love me in a healthy way

Ugh, I don't know.